Why I Created the Emotional Survival System™: For Women Who Are Always Expected to Cope

Introduction

0:28 Speaker 0: Welcome! You're listening to Work Stress Anxiety by ABGW.

0:35 Speaker 0: I am Cheryl and today I wanted to talk about why I created the Emotional Survival System.

Why I created the Emotional Survival System

0:46 Speaker 0: Not as a grand, dramatic origin story because it ain't, Okay?

0:54 Speaker 0: But because I'm going to be talking about the Emotional Survival System more often across the podcast, and I wanted there to be 1 clear episode that anyone can come back to and think, right, that's what she meant by that.

1:11 Speaker 0: So this episode is for the woman who is already expected to cope.

1:18 Speaker 0: The the 1 reliable person, the 1 who is capable, organised, intelligent, responsible, useful, professional and therefore apparently immune from stress.

1:34 Speaker 0: Lovely, lovely little myth that is.

1:37 Speaker 0: Because being capable doesn't mean that you're not overloaded.

1:42 Speaker 0: Being relied on doesn't mean that you're not tired.

1:45 Speaker 0: Being strong doesn't mean that you should have to recover alone in hiding places.

1:52 Speaker 0: And being a woman certainly doesn't mean that you have suddenly stopped having a nervous system.

The origin of the Emotional Survival System

2:04 Speaker 0: Emotional Survival System came from a very simple truth when I

2:09 Speaker 1: was working with someone.

2:11 Speaker 1: It was when I noticed that there are moments in life when talking about stress doesn't make you feel

2:20 Speaker 0: less

2:20 Speaker 1: stressed. Sometimes talking about it makes you feel worse.

2:27 Speaker 1: Sometimes it makes you feel more guilty, more exposed, more aware that you feel as if you're struggling and more anxious because now you're stressed about being stressed, which is not nice, not nice at all.

The purpose of the Emotional Survival System

2:47 Speaker 1: So I wanted to explain why I built this system, why it is made of separate focus kits and why I wish I had something like this at many different points across my own working life.

3:05 Speaker 1: Not because I'm special, hell no, no, but because I have been working for nearly 45 years across different industries, roles, responsibilities, pressures, personalities, and all the glorious human nonsense that arise when people gather under fluorescent lighting and call it work.

3:31 Speaker 1: And somewhere inside all of that, I kept seeing the same thing.

3:38 Speaker 1: Women coping, women carrying, women blaming themselves for struggling, women needing real tools, not just more advice.

3:50 Speaker 1: So that's what I'm talking about.

3:55 Speaker 1: I'll be honest with you, I built the Emotional Survival System in a selfish way. Is that a confession or what?

4:06 Speaker 1: Not selfish as in, I want you to build a tiny, wellness empire and sit on a throne. No.

4:14 Speaker 0: If you know anything about me, you know that's not, that's far from possible with me. But selfish as in, I kept thinking back,

4:25 Speaker 1: you know, to when I started work at 16 and all the times in my own life where I would have needed it.

4:35 Speaker 1: You know, all the pivotal moments when I was so stressed, so stressed that talking about being stressed did not help.

4:45 Speaker 0: A lot of the time, I

4:46 Speaker 1: didn't actually have anyone I could really talk to, but where I needed something more immediate, something that didn't ask me to explain everything, something that didn't require me to be articulate or tidy or insightful or somehow emotionally elegant.

5:13 Speaker 1: Because when you're flooded with stress,

5:16 Speaker 0: you know yourself, when you're exhausted, when your body is bracing and your mind is doing laps around the same fear,

5:25 Speaker 1: you do not need another deep conversation.

5:30 Speaker 1: Or maybe you do, but that's not my

5:32 Speaker 0: experience.

5:34 Speaker 0: Sometimes you need something that just helps you come down, down enough to function, down enough to breathe properly again,

5:45 Speaker 1: enough to stop blaming yourself, enough to choose 1 next sensible step.

5:54 Speaker 1: I wish I had the Emotional Survival System when I was anxious.

5:59 Speaker 1: I wish I had it when I was stressed and still expected to keep working. I wish

6:05 Speaker 0: I had it when I remember I had terrible back pain and I didn't understand that the pain I was experiencing was reducing my productivity, not because I was being lazy, but because my body was already using so much energy trying to get me through the day. That

6:24 Speaker 1: is an important point. Pain doesn't just hurt.

6:31 Speaker 1: If you've noticed, pain takes bandwidth. Stress takes bandwidth.

6:38 Speaker 1: Anxiety takes bandwidth.

6:41 Speaker 1: Emotional Overload, they all take bandwidth.

6:46 Speaker 1: And then we wonder why we can't think clearly, decide clearly, respond calmly.

6:52 Speaker 1: It's not because we're weak, it's because our system, your system is already running too many emergency programs in the background.

7:02 Speaker 1: And I wish, I wish I had it when my ego got the better of me, yes,

7:09 Speaker 0: because I'm not pretending stress only happens when we're falling apart.

7:13 Speaker 0: Sometimes we're doing well, really well, and we still need grounding. Sometimes confidence

7:21 Speaker 1: tips into overdrive.

7:24 Speaker 1: Sometimes we need gratitude, not a smug little be grateful sticker, but as a way to stay connected to what matters before life turns into, I don't know, emotional achievement karaoke.

7:42 Speaker 1: I wish I had something,

7:46 Speaker 0: 1 of those kits at different points in my own working life as a woman, as a working with a woman, as a mom, as a professional, as a leader, as a manager,

7:59 Speaker 1: as a person who, like most people, has to carry on while life was doing the absolute most in the background to make life difficult.

8:10 Speaker 1: And again, I'm not saying that I am special, I'm saying I've observed.

8:17 Speaker 1: From nearly 45 years of working, I have watched what happens to people under stress.

8:25 Speaker 1: I've watched what happens when capable ones are expected to keep absorbing, absorbing, absorbing.

8:32 Speaker 1: I've watched when, you know, what happens when a woman's distress gets hidden behind competency.

8:40 Speaker 1: I have watched how often support arrives too late,

8:45 Speaker 0: too vague and it's too unrealistic,

8:49 Speaker 1: so I built something I wish had existed, something practical, something focused, something that could, I don't know, meet a woman in the actual moment she is in, the real moment, not the Instagram version, the car, the toilet, the edge of the bed at 2AM, the desk after an email, the meeting room where she needs her voice to work, this is where the Emotional Survival System belongs and this is where it becomes bigger than me because I see so many women who are the ones relied on, the dependable ones, the capable ones, you know, the ones who get handed more because they've proven they can cope, which sounds flattering until you realize that you're so capable, you know, it just ends up meaning we keep giving you more until something breaks.

The need for practical support

9:58 Speaker 1: And then when something does break, those women often turn the blame inwards. They think, you know, I should be fine, I

10:08 Speaker 0: should be stronger, I should

10:09 Speaker 1: be able to handle this.

10:11 Speaker 1: Other people have had worse, come on, pull yourself together, because the more capable you are, the more shame you can feel when you need support, and that is completely backwards.

10:27 Speaker 1: Support shouldn't be reserved for collapse.

10:31 Speaker 1: Support should not require some dramatic breakdown, formal diagnosis or a crisis point.

10:43 Speaker 1: Support should be allowed earlier, smaller, quieter, in a more practical way.

10:53 Speaker 1: This is why I did not want to create 1 vague stress product because I know Work Stress is not 1 thing.

11:03 Speaker 1: Overwhelm is not 1 thing.

11:06 Speaker 1: Emotional survival is not 1 neat flavor.

11:11 Speaker 1: Sometimes you need calm, sometimes you need sleep, sometimes you need to release emotions because you've swallowed it up all day, all week, all month, and now your chest feels like as if you've got a kettle bell on it.

11:26 Speaker 1: Sometimes you need energy and wakefulness because life just paused just because life doesn't just pause because you're depleted.

11:38 Speaker 1: Sometimes you need pain relief because your body is carrying more than anyone can see.

11:45 Speaker 1: Sometimes you need the emotional relaxation because tension has just become your default setting. I've seen it myself.

11:54 Speaker 1: Sometimes you need help with dealing with regret because your mind is replaying 1 sentence from 1 conversation from years ago, like as if it's some sort of courtroom exhibit.

12:08 Speaker 1: Sometimes you just need support around giving and receiving care because being looked after can feel weirdly difficult when you're used to being useful. Sometimes you just need anxiety support.

12:26 Speaker 1: Sometimes you just need stress support.

12:29 Speaker 1: Sometimes you need, I don't know, gratitude.

12:34 Speaker 1: Not because gratitude is the problem, but because gratitude helps you widen the lens that your survival stressy mode has narrowed everything down, and that is why it had to be a system.

12:49 Speaker 1: 1 product is too, yeah, it

12:53 Speaker 0: would have been too blunt. A system gives focus,

12:57 Speaker 1: a system lets each kit say, right, this is the thing we are supporting today.

13:03 Speaker 1: Not everything, not everything, just this, Because when you're overwhelmed, too many options can become another problem.

13:12 Speaker 1: So the Emotional Survival System is designed to be focused enough to be useful but broad enough to make the real spectrum, you know, the real spectrum of what women are carrying.

13:29 Speaker 1: And no, it's not to say that the other kids' kits aren't relevant. Stress can affect your sleep, absolutely.

13:36 Speaker 1: Anxiety can affect how you deal with pain.

13:40 Speaker 1: Pain can affect your mood, your regret can affect sleep.

13:44 Speaker 1: A lack of care can affect everything, it's all connected.

13:48 Speaker 1: But when you're in the middle of it, you often need just 1 clear door to walk through, and that's the point.

14:01 Speaker 1: So where does it leave us now?

14:03 Speaker 1: It leaves us with a different way to think about emotional support, not as something you earn after you suffered enough, not as something you need if you are not coping, not as something dramatic, embarrassing, or indulgent, but as practical

14:26 Speaker 0: infrastructure. You know me,

14:27 Speaker 1: I like things to be practical because your nervous system is not some sort of spare equipment, it's not decorative, it's the very thing that you are trying to work through, parent through, lead through, care through, decide through, and when it's overloaded, everything, everything gets harder.

14:51 Speaker 1: You can't always change the work situation in 5 minutes.

14:54 Speaker 1: You can't always, dare I say it, change your manager or you can't always change the deadline. You can't always affect the pain.

15:04 Speaker 1: You can't always change the fact that people depend on you.

15:08 Speaker 1: You can't always change that the meeting starts in 10 minutes, but sometimes 5 minutes can change your state, and when your state changes or it shifts, the next step can change, and that matters because emotional survival is often not about fixing the whole thing, the whole life in the glorious Technicolor thing, it's about getting enough steadiness back to ask what is actually happening? What do I need? What is 1 active next step?

15:56 Speaker 1: Do I need to pause, rest, ask for support, and for the record, the furious inner goblin should always be saved as a draft, not deleted immediately, drafted, honored, then review when your nervous system is not trying to start a small workplace revolution.

16:26 Speaker 1: And this is where the ABG method sits underneath the system awareness, balance, growth, win win well-being.

The ABG method

16:36 Speaker 1: Awareness says this is what is happening, balance says your body and capacity matter.

16:44 Speaker 1: Growth says We build through small, repeatable shifts, not shame.

16:50 Speaker 1: Well-being says, The aim is not just to survive forever, the aim is to steady your choice, and win win matters because your well-being should not require your whole life to be burnt down before it's allowed to improve.

17:06 Speaker 1: So the Emotional Survival System is not there to make women tolerate the unacceptable.

17:15 Speaker 1: It's not a sedative for toxic workplaces.

17:18 Speaker 0: It's not there to help you smile peacefully

17:21 Speaker 1: while you're being overloaded or ignored, bullied or any of that rubbish. No.

17:30 Speaker 1: It's there to help you calm enough to re access yourself, your thinking, your judgment, your language, your next step.

17:42 Speaker 1: Sometimes that next step is rest. Sometimes it's a boundary.

17:46 Speaker 1: Sometimes it's a conversation.

17:48 Speaker 1: Sometimes it's writing down what happened.

17:52 Speaker 1: Sometimes it's seeking appropriate professional help.

17:55 Speaker 1: Sometimes it's speaking to the union rep.

17:58 Speaker 1: Sometimes it's recognizing that you need more than a 5 minute reset, and that's okay.

18:05 Speaker 1: A tool is not a replacement for appropriate support.

18:10 Speaker 1: It's there to support you. It's a bridge. It's a handrail.

18:16 Speaker 1: It's a pocket of steadiness when your system is shouting.

18:22 Speaker 1: That's why I created it.

Actionable steps for emotional survival

18:25 Speaker 1: So with that in mind, what I would like you to do is I'd like you, before you finish this podcast, I'd like you to just take a moment, and if you're feeling a little bit stressed, just take 5 long, slow, deep breaths, and I

18:51 Speaker 0: want you to write

18:52 Speaker 1: down, once you've done that, write down 1 thing that actually needs doing next. If it's anxiety, ask what else could be true.

19:03 Speaker 1: If it's sleep, reduce 1 input before bed tonight.

19:08 Speaker 1: If it's pain, soften your expectations and consider what support might help.

19:15 Speaker 1: If it's releasing your emotions, write the sentence that you're not ready to say out loud.

19:23 Speaker 1: If it's energy, choose 1 tiny restorative action, not some heroic thing, just 1 small thing.

19:32 Speaker 1: If it's gratitude, name 1 thing that's still holding you even if today is messy.

19:39 Speaker 1: 1 door, 1 action, 1 simple shift, that is emotional survival in real life.

19:47 Speaker 1: It's not glamorous, it's not dramatic, but useful, and useful beats impressive every time.

19:57 Speaker 1: Now, there is always I always like to remind you the important difference between relief and restoration.

Relief and restoration

20:06 Speaker 1: Relief is where the intensity comes down and restoration is where the system starts to trust that steadiness is available again.

20:15 Speaker 1: Both matter, sometimes you need relief 1st, you need the tears to pass, you need the jaws to unclench, you need your body to stop behaving as if it's some sort of the inbox has got teeth, you know? Restoration is repetition.

20:34 Speaker 1: It's using the tool often enough that your nervous system starts to learn, I can be stressed and still choose.

20:42 Speaker 1: I can feel overwhelmed and not abandon myself.

20:46 Speaker 1: You know, I need support without turning it into shame,

20:50 Speaker 0: and that's why the Emotional Survival System is built as a system, because 1 moment of relief is good, but repeated moments of steadiness becomes evidence, and guess what?

21:01 Speaker 0: Evidence is powerful.

21:03 Speaker 0: Your brain learns from evidence, oh yes, it does.

21:07 Speaker 0: Your body learns from repetition,

21:09 Speaker 1: and your life changes through small steps.

21:12 Speaker 1: You can actually repeat.

The importance of the Emotional Survival System for capable women

21:16 Speaker 1: So the Emotional Survival System exists because capable women need support too, real support, focused support, you know, tools that understand that sometimes you are stressed, sometimes you're anxious, sometimes you're in

21:33 Speaker 0: pain, sometimes you just can't sleep, sometimes

21:38 Speaker 1: you're in denial, sometimes you just need some energy, and it's a way of saying stay connected to what still matters.

21:46 Speaker 1: You're not weak, you're not failing, you're not broken.

21:50 Speaker 1: You're not broken, ladies, because capable may be part of your story, but it should not become the reason 're left alone with everything.

22:01 Speaker 1: The Emotional Survival System is my way of saying, you know what?

22:07 Speaker 1: Here is

22:07 Speaker 0: a focus door. Here is a small step.

22:11 Speaker 0: Here is a way back to yourself.

22:15 Speaker 0: You know, if anything in this episode, even the smallest thing has helped you, please follow the podcast so that way any future episodes, you know when I explore individual Emotional Survival System kits you'll get to know what they are, they exist and why 5 minutes of steadiness is never nothing.

22:40 Speaker 0: Thank you for listening to Work Stress Anxiety by ABGW.

22:44 Speaker 0: I'm Cheryl and if today you are the 1 everyone relies on, please hear this.

Self-support and conclusion

22:53 Speaker 0: You are allowed, you are allowed to support yourself before you collapse. You're allowed to use small tools.

23:01 Speaker 0: You're allowed to need steadiness and you are allowed to stop turning stress into personal failure because every step you take no matter how small is a step towards a brighter more balanced future.

23:15 Speaker 0: Trust in your journey and remember progress is progress no matter the pace. And I'll speak to you next time. Bye bye bye for now.