The Real Purpose of Gratitude: Why It’s Not Fake Positivity

Introduction

Speaker 0: Okay,

Speaker 1: so welcome. This is Work Stress Anxiety by ABGW.

Speaker 1: I'm Cheryl and today we're talking about Gratitude.

Speaker 1: Yeah I know, not the mug, not the beige journal with the gold foil lettering on it, no.

Speaker 1: Not the slightly smirky instruction just be grateful, no.

Speaker 1: Today we're talking about the real purpose of Gratitude.

The real purpose of Gratitude

Speaker 1: Now you're probably thinking why would you do a podcast episode about Gratitude?

Speaker 1: Well hopefully that will become clear to you as we continue because I think Gratitude has been badly badly marketed.

Speaker 1: It has been turned into something soft, decorative and vaguely irritating.

Speaker 1: It gets wheeled out as though the solution to modern pressure is to write down 3 nice things and somehow you'll become a better person by lunchtime.

Speaker 0: Lovely, lovely, lovely except that for many High Functioning Women dealing with Work Stress, work Anxiety, overwhelm, resentment, what else, Burnout, exhaustion and the private cost of looking fine, Gratitude can feel like another annoying demand.

Speaker 0: Another thing to perform, another way of being told, well, you're not good enough, and that is not what I mean by Gratitude.

Speaker 0: In the ABGW method, Gratitude is not fake positivity.

Speaker 0: Oh, please, it's far away from it.

Speaker 0: It is not there to silence your frustration, erase your ambition, your drive, or make you tolerate nonsense with some sort of smile stapled to your face.

Speaker 0: To me, the real purpose of Gratitude is to restore proportion proportion. It helps interrupt that annoying thing called the Ego

Speaker 1: Because when stress starts making everything about you, your urgency, your pressure,

Speaker 0: your standards, your disappointment, or your promotion, your recognition, your need to be right, your need to be seen, your need to control the room before the room controls you.

Speaker 0: And when Gratitude then comes in, it restores proportion.

Speaker 0: If something important happens, something really important, I think, self compassion becomes possible, not because you force it, not because you chant it at yourself, no, no, no.

Speaker 0: It becomes there because you remember you are human, you're a human being, and so everyone else is also a human being.

Speaker 0: Now, please accept that I just don't see Gratitude as some nice idea.

Speaker 0: You know, when I think about it, it's 1 of the reasons why I find it hard.

Speaker 0: I found it hard when I started thinking about how I was gonna work with work related stress.

Speaker 0: And when I was creating the Emotional Survival System, I knew that I couldn't just create 1 kit, you know, like 1 for sleep and 1 for stress and 1 for Anxiety and 1 for pain.

Speaker 0: It couldn't just be 1 little tight box and then pretend that covered the full emotional buffet that there is, being a high functioning woman in a world that keeps asking more and more of us while offering less.

Speaker 0: It had to be a spectrum, because Work Stress and work Anxiety do not arrive politely with 1 label.

Speaker 0: They show up as poor sleep, overthinking, snappiness, shutting down, people pleasing, perfectionism, regret, pain, exhaustion, Anxiety, and that's just to name a few.

Speaker 0: That lovely moment when you realize that you've been technically answering the email, but spiritually, you left the building ages ago, and when I got to Gratitude, I thought to myself, I had a bit of a moment, if I'm honest, because I knew Gratitude belonged in the Emotional Survival system. It just had to be there.

Speaker 0: It just had to be there, but I also knew something else.

Speaker 0: Most people don't wake up at 3 a. M.

Speaker 0: In the morning and think, Do you know what my real problem is?

Speaker 0: It's a lack of Gratitude. No, no, no.

Speaker 0: They wake up thinking, Why did I say that?

Speaker 0: What have I messed up about? Why am I so tired?

Speaker 0: Why didn't I get that promotion?

Speaker 0: Nobody is lying awake in the dark desperate for a Gratitude worksheet.

Speaker 0: They're lying awake replaying all the mistakes they think they've made, which, you know, the argument they had with someone who probably has been

Speaker 1: deeply annoyed by their very existence,

Speaker 0: I know. So I had to ask myself, Why does Gratitude still matter?

Speaker 0: You know, and as I sit here talking to you, the answer to me, when I think about it, was simple, because Gratitude is not that shiny thing at the end of everything.

Speaker 0: It's part of how we lose ourselves on the way there, which is why Gratitude is very similar, I think, to Kindness. It pays forward.

Speaker 0: You practice it in the present now, and it pays dividends later on.

Speaker 0: Not always immediately, I get that, but over time, changes the emotional

Speaker 1: sort of changes

Speaker 0: economics the inside yourself.

Speaker 0: It changes what gets interest because resentment also compounds, self criticism compounds, control compounds, Ego definitely compounds.

Speaker 0: But when Ego starts running the place, it doesn't usually arrive wearing a cape. It arrives as standards.

Speaker 0: I just had to do that because no 1 else could.

Speaker 0: It arrives as no 1 else cares as much as I do.

Speaker 0: No 1 else is as good as I am. You know?

Speaker 0: It arrives as, I want promotion now, I want recognition now, I want that shiny thing now.

Speaker 0: That's Ego, the certainty now, and that is where Gratitude becomes 1 of the antidotes to Ego, not because ambition is wrong ambition is not the enemy. Wanting to grow is not the enemy.

Speaker 0: Wanting recognition, opportunity, fairness,

Speaker 1: progression, and a life that doesn't feel like

Speaker 0: a spreadsheet is not the enemy.

Speaker 0: The problem starts, I think, when wanting becomes entitlement, when pressure becomes permission, when stress becomes a license to become unkind, when disappointment becomes proof that nothing matters.

Speaker 0: To me, that's where Gratitude matters, because Gratitude says, Look again! What else here is true? What is still holding you?

Speaker 0: What kind of person do you want to become while you're waiting, building, recovering, trying, learning, or being told no?

Speaker 0: That is character under pressure.

Speaker 0: Annoyingly, obviously, but to me, it's so useful.

Speaker 0: I think this matters so much for us women, us High Functioning Women, because many of us have been trained to live in this very, very narrow emotional corridor.

Speaker 0: Be capable, be grateful, be ambitious, but not too ambitious.

Speaker 0: Be kind, but don't be weak.

Speaker 0: Have boundaries, but don't don't dare be difficult.

Speaker 0: Work hard, but don't burn out.

Speaker 0: Rest, yes, but don't let anyone down.

Speaker 0: Be confident, but don't don't you dare be threatening. Be calm.

Speaker 0: Be human, but ideally not during office hours.

Speaker 0: Not during office hours. No, no, no, we can't tolerate that.

Speaker 0: No wonder the nervous system starts looking for the emergency exit.

Speaker 0: In that pressure, Gratitude can feel offensive because when someone says be grateful at the wrong time, it's always like, you know, your hairs stand up because a lot of women here, lower your standards, accept less, be easy to manage.

Speaker 0: Let's be clear, that's not Gratitude, that's emotional compliance, and Gratitude should never be used to silence pain.

Speaker 0: Uh-uh.

Speaker 0: Gratitude, I think, should always be used to make someone sorry, should never be used, never, never be used to make someone tolerate bullying or overwork, discrimination, chronic disrespecting, or a culture that preaches well-being while treating people like replaceable office furniture. No, no, no.

Speaker 0: Gratitude is not submission, it's orientation.

Speaker 0: It helps you see what is still true while you're dealing with what is also true. You can be grateful and still say no.

Speaker 0: You can be grateful and still challenge unfairness.

Speaker 0: You can be grateful and still want more. That's okay.

Speaker 0: That's good because doormats are not morally superior.

Speaker 0: They're just frequently stood on.

Speaker 0: The deeper issue to me is that when we're you know, we're dealing with a long period of stress, our minds narrow, it sort of focuses in on things, it creates a poor picture, and what's missing, what

Speaker 1: helps us cut through that context is

Speaker 0: Gratitude when we focus on it, you know?

Speaker 0: And sometimes, we focus on the wrong things, and this is not about pretending everything's fine.

Speaker 0: It's about refusing to let stress become the only narrative in your life, the only narrator, you know? Right. So

Speaker 1: what do we need to be looking at?

Speaker 0: So here's the shift for now.

The Gratitude reset

Speaker 0: The real purpose of Gratitude is not to make you cheerful, it's to make you more humane, I think. Gratitude restores proportion.

Speaker 0: It reminds you that you are not the sun. You are important, yes.

Speaker 0: Your needs matter, yes. The pain that you're going through, yes.

Speaker 0: It matters.

Speaker 0: Very inconvenient, very necessary because when Gratitude is honest, it interrupts the performance of superiority that stress can create. It's true.

Speaker 0: It's such a beautiful byproduct because once you once Gratitude says there's more here than threats, and it then helps self compassion grow, and as self compassion grows more natural and more naturally, when Gratitude reminds us that we're human beings, not just Productivity machines with long lashes.

Speaker 0: There's a difference. So, what am I saying here?

Speaker 0: I'm saying that when we talk about Gratitude, especially when I talk about it in the ABGW method, we're talking about we're not talking about pretending, we're talking about reality, reality contact, awareness, what is happening in me, Balance, what restoration proportion do I need?

Growth: what kind of person am I becoming through all of this?

And win win well-being: how do I support myself without making stress everyone else's problem?

And win win well-being: That is the work, not pretending everything's perfect, not forcing Gratitude, but using Gratitude as a pause, as a pattern interrupt, as a safeguard against losing self compassion, and the compassion that you have for the world and people around you.

And win win well-being: So here's a micro step that you might want to try today.

And win win well-being: Nothing dramatic, and I'm not expecting you to be a different person in an hour. Just this, the Gratitude reset.

And win win well-being: Use it when you notice yourself becoming harsh, resentful, controlling, quietly infuriating. Okay?

And win win well-being: So step 1, say to yourself, this is a stressful moment, a stress moment.

And win win well-being: That 1 sentence matters because it stops you turning a state into part of your identity. Step 2, I want you to anchor it.

And win win well-being: I want you to make sure you have both feet on the floor, and I want you to take 5 long, slow, deep breaths.

And win win well-being: And while you're doing that, I want you to drop your shoulders by 1 centimeter.

And win win well-being: I want you to notice any tightness in your body, and I want you to allow your body to let that tightness go.

And win win well-being: There's no need to solve the entire thing today. That's fine.

And win win well-being: It's just about noticing.

And win win well-being: And then I want you to ask yourself, What else is true?

And win win well-being: What else is going on that's true?

And win win well-being: You know, for example, I am disappointed, but I still have options.

And win win well-being: I feel under pressure, and I don't need to pass that pressure on.

And win win well-being: I want more, and I can still notice what is already holding me.

And win win well-being: That's it. Then choice.

And win win well-being: Ask what is 1 small step that keeps me human. Then choose it.

And win win well-being: Maybe it's pausing before replying.

And win win well-being: Maybe it's making someone else a cup of tea.

And win win well-being: Maybe it's going and drinking some water.

And win win well-being: Maybe it's apologizing if you snapped at someone.

And win win well-being: Maybe it's closing the laptop before your brain, you know, it implodes.

And win win well-being: Write down the thing that you are grateful for now that your future self may thank you for later.

And win win well-being: I appreciate it's small, but small is where the nervous system starts believing change is possible.

And win win well-being: And remember, relief is the immediate exhale.

And win win well-being: It's the moment your shoulders drop, you realize that you don't have to fight everything.

And win win well-being: Restoration is what happens when you repeat these things enough times that it becomes part of how you live.

And win win well-being: A Gratitude list might give you relief, but a Gratitude Practice can support restoration. Enough of me going on about Gratitude.

The Ego and Gratitude

And win win well-being: Remember that the Ego wants immediate reward.

And win win well-being: Gratitude can tolerate the longer investment.

And win win well-being: The Ego says, If I don't get it now, it's worthless.

And win win well-being: Gratitude says, What I practice now shapes who I am becoming later.

And win win well-being: That is a very different nervous system, a very different leadership style, a very different home life, a very different inner voice.

And win win well-being: The real purpose of Gratitude is not to make you positive, it's to make you more proportionate, more humane, more connected, and less ruled by your Ego, confusing stress with importance, and using pressure as permission to be unkind.

And win win well-being: And while self compassion becomes possible, you

Speaker 1: treat your humanity the way that you should.

Being human without apologizing

Speaker 1: Now imagine that, such a radical concept, being human without apologizing for the inconvenience.

Speaker 1: I hope you've enjoyed this episode.

Speaker 1: If this has helped you in even in a tiny way, please follow the podcast.

Speaker 1: The link is in the show notes that way the next episode is there for you. You've been listening to Work Stress Anxiety by ABGW.

Speaker 1: I'm Cheryl Paris a clinical hypnotherapist and stress recovery coach and I want you to remember today Gratitude is not fake positivity.

Speaker 1: It's there to restore caution, it's there to help you remember that you are a human being.

Speaker 1: And I want you to remember that every step you take, no matter how small, is a step towards a brighter, more value in the future.

Speaker 1: You can trust in your journey and remember, progress is progress no matter the pace. I'll check you later. Bye for now.