The Stupid Idea of Perfection: Why Life Isn't a Maths Exam

A Story About Being Human

0:21 SPEAKER_00: This great story teaches us something about being human.

0:25 SPEAKER_00: I'm Cheryl Paris and this is Work Stress Anxiety.

0:29 SPEAKER_00: Together, let's borrow a little wisdom from a story to help us navigate a very modern world.

0:44 SPEAKER_01: Now I probably am going to upset a few people here.

0:53 SPEAKER_01: I might even annoy a few people, but I'm gonna risk it.

1:00 SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna risk it because I've always found this fascinating.

1:08 SPEAKER_01: I think perfection is one of the stupidest words in the English language.

1:19 SPEAKER_01: Not because excellence is stupid or beautiful craftsmanship is stupid, not because doing your best is stupid, but because perfection doesn't actually exist.

Why Perfection Does Not Exist

1:37 SPEAKER_01: It's an imaginary finishing line that we've invented and then we've spent generation after generation beating ourselves up for never reaching it.

1:53 SPEAKER_01: I appreciate maybe the problem isn't you.

1:58 SPEAKER_01: Maybe the problem is the word.

2:04 SPEAKER_01: To me, perfectionism is fascinating because it strikes me it promises confidence and somehow leaves you questioning an email that you've already sent.

2:21 SPEAKER_01: Don't believe me, go outside.

2:25 SPEAKER_01: Yeah?

2:27 SPEAKER_01: Find me one perfect tree.

2:31 SPEAKER_01: Find me one perfect blade of grass or one perfectly symmetrical cloud.

2:42 SPEAKER_01: Because you can't.

2:45 SPEAKER_01: Nature, funny enough, doesn't produce perfection, it produces variations and growth and adaptation and life.

3:00 SPEAKER_01: And here's something I keep coming back to.

3:05 SPEAKER_01: Somehow we've decided that human beings should achieve a standard that the natural world has never ever attempted.

3:17 SPEAKER_01: And to me, that's a strange contract to sign up to.

3:29 SPEAKER_01: And I loved maths.

3:31 SPEAKER_01: I was actually quite good at maths at school, funnily enough.

3:35 SPEAKER_01: But life isn't maths, there isn't one right answer.

3:40 SPEAKER_01: There isn't a mark scheme, there isn't a final exam where someone says, Hey, congratulations, you only made three mistakes.

3:51 SPEAKER_01: Here's your happiness.

3:53 SPEAKER_01: Unfortunately, as you probably know, life is a bit messier than that, and thankfully, thankfully, it's actually supposed to be.

4:03 SPEAKER_01: Let me confess something to you now, and I hope you can appreciate this.

4:13 SPEAKER_01: But my very first episode of this podcast, I recorded it thirty one times.

The 31 Takes Confession

4:24 SPEAKER_01: Yep, thirty-one.

4:26 SPEAKER_01: Not because technology had failed, but because I thought if I just kept recording, eventually I would make it perfect.

4:41 SPEAKER_01: The funny thing, after all those recordings, after the fact that I absolutely lost my voice, I ended up publishing one of the very few, one of the very first versions.

4:57 SPEAKER_01: 31 attempts, and anxiety had convinced me I wasn't ready almost for that moment I started.

5:07 SPEAKER_01: Now, here's the interesting question.

5:11 SPEAKER_01: Was I trying to create a better podcast or was I trying to prove something?

5:19 SPEAKER_01: Because they're not the same thing, not at all.

5:24 SPEAKER_01: You know, looking back, I don't think I wanted perfection.

5:29 SPEAKER_01: I think I think I wanted certainty, I wanted reassurance, I wanted someone to tell me you're good enough.

5:40 SPEAKER_01: And interestingly, if you go back and you listen to any of those early episodes, you can hear, genuinely, you can hear how nervous I was.

5:51 SPEAKER_01: I thought, what am I doing?

5:54 SPEAKER_01: But I think that's where perfectionism really comes from.

5:59 SPEAKER_01: Not from ambition, not from high standards, but from one quiet sentence that kind of whispers in your ears.

6:11 SPEAKER_01: Am I good enough?

6:13 SPEAKER_01: That's the engine I think that's underneath it.

6:17 SPEAKER_01: If I just work harder, maybe I'll be enough.

6:23 SPEAKER_01: If I make few mistakes, maybe I'll be enough.

6:29 SPEAKER_01: If no one criticizes me, maybe I'll be enough.

6:35 SPEAKER_01: Perfection, I think, is often just us our self-doubt wearing very expensive clothes.

6:47 SPEAKER_01: And like I said, when I first started podcasting, I wanted I wanted to be good.

6:55 SPEAKER_01: I'm not saying that I'm good now.

6:57 SPEAKER_01: I'm not.

7:10 SPEAKER_01: You know, one of the things that life has taught me is that we're not unique in this time, you know.

7:20 SPEAKER_01: There's people throughout history who've gone through the same struggles that we have.

7:26 SPEAKER_01: And interestingly, there's an old, I think it's Greek, I think he was a Greek philosopher, Heraclites, and over 2,000 years ago, he said, one step, or sorry, was it one step?

Change, Growth, And The River

7:41 SPEAKER_01: Sorry, no, no one steps into the same river twice because it's not the same river, and you're not the same person.

7:53 SPEAKER_01: So think about that for a minute.

7:55 SPEAKER_01: Here's this person, me, who recorded my first episode.

8:01 SPEAKER_01: Doesn't actually do I don't act that person doesn't actually exist anymore.

8:08 SPEAKER_01: The thing is, and this is what excites me so much now, is that I know that every conversation is going to change me.

8:20 SPEAKER_01: Every mistake has changed me, every episode has changed me.

8:30 SPEAKER_01: You know, growth isn't optional anymore, it's kind of built into my life.

8:37 SPEAKER_01: Everything changes, doesn't it?

8:41 SPEAKER_01: You know, if you look outside, or maybe you are outside, if you look at the trees, they change.

8:49 SPEAKER_01: We have seasons, we have relationships, we have careers, and look at you.

8:57 SPEAKER_01: You've changed.

9:00 SPEAKER_01: Interestingly, the only question is whether you're willing to grow with change, or as some people do, spend your life trying to become a perfect version of someone who no longer exists.

9:21 SPEAKER_01: One of the things life has taught me, and here's what perfection steals: it steals action, it steals creativity, it steals your courage, it steals your time, it steals the joy, it makes outrageous, unconscious joy impossible, and perhaps worst of all, it steals lots of evidence.

10:00 SPEAKER_01: I've always found this fascinating because every time you refuse to begin until you're perfect, you'll never collect the proof that you were capable all along.

10:18 SPEAKER_01: So here's the thought that maybe I'd love for you to carry into the rest of this episode as you continue to listen.

10:30 SPEAKER_01: Maybe your problem isn't that you're not good enough.

10:33 SPEAKER_01: Maybe, maybe your problem isn't, maybe your problem is that you believed a word that was never true in the first place.

10:45 SPEAKER_01: Because the way I see it, perfection doesn't make people feel good enough, doesn't make you feel good because it keeps moving the goalposts, you were always good enough in the beginning.

11:06 SPEAKER_01: Now, let's see what else you're capable of, and that's where I want to take you next because if perfection isn't the answer, what is what is the answer?

11:23 SPEAKER_01: Now, here's something I've always found really fascinating, and I think it it kind of reveals something about perfection or perfectionism, and that perfectionism isn't about being perfect, it's about trying to become worthy, then gently dismantling that belief.

Borrowed Worth And Moving Goalposts

11:53 SPEAKER_01: You see, let's imagine just for a moment that it's tomorrow morning and you woke up absolutely convinced that you were enough.

12:05 SPEAKER_01: Not perfect, not smarter, not funnier, not the most successful, just enough.

12:13 SPEAKER_01: How different would your day look?

12:18 SPEAKER_01: Would you rewrite that email seven times?

12:23 SPEAKER_01: Would you apologize quite so much?

12:28 SPEAKER_01: Would you lie awake replaying yesterday?

12:32 SPEAKER_01: Probably not.

12:34 SPEAKER_01: So maybe perfection was never the problem.

12:38 SPEAKER_01: Maybe worth maybe worth always was.

12:45 SPEAKER_01: You see, the way that I see it, I I sometimes think perfectionists carry around an invisible backpack that no one else can see, and inside it are all the things they think they have earned.

13:03 SPEAKER_01: You know, things like approval, acceptance, respect, love, success.

13:12 SPEAKER_01: Every achievement they've ever had gets stuffed into that backpack.

13:19 SPEAKER_01: And the strange thing is it never feels any lighter.

13:26 SPEAKER_01: Why is that?

13:27 SPEAKER_01: Because if you don't believe you're enough, let me say that again.

13:35 SPEAKER_01: If you do not believe you are enough, no achievement, no achievement is ever heavy enough to outweigh that belief.

13:50 SPEAKER_01: You can't fill a hole in your self-worth with another certificate.

13:57 SPEAKER_01: You can't, you know.

14:00 SPEAKER_01: We've all met someone who said, I'll relax, I'll relax when I get that promotion, and then they get promoted, or I'll feel confident when I gain that qualification, and then they finished, and I'll finally feel successful when, and the finish line quietly packs its bags and moves conveniently another mile down the road.

14:33 SPEAKER_01: Because to me, perfectionism is brilliant at one thing and one thing alone.

14:40 SPEAKER_01: Moving goalposts.

14:44 SPEAKER_01: Imagine working with someone who criticizes everything you do.

14:52 SPEAKER_01: Maybe they don't do it loudly, they do it quietly, but they are constantly do it.

14:58 SPEAKER_01: You know, you oh, you've missed this, and oh you should have known that, and that wasn't quite good enough, and you could have done better there.

15:10 SPEAKER_01: Most of us would quietly internally file some kind of grievance against them, yeah.

15:20 SPEAKER_01: Some of us would even make a formal grievance, yet some of us let that voice live rent free in our heads.

15:33 SPEAKER_01: And he would not like that.

15:36 SPEAKER_01: It's amazing what we'll report to HR, you know, about other people, but it's interesting what we tolerate for ourselves.

15:51 SPEAKER_01: You know, perfection and perfectionists often borrow their worth.

15:58 SPEAKER_01: That's what I've noticed.

16:00 SPEAKER_01: I'm not good enough if people praise me, my manager approves, my clients are happy, or I never make a mistake.

16:15 SPEAKER_01: Um, I'd like to you to think about this for a minute because that just sounds incredibly exhausting, because you've handed somebody else the keys to your self-esteem.

16:33 SPEAKER_01: And you know, people, they're very unreliable landlords when it comes to your mind.

16:40 SPEAKER_01: Think about for a minute a newborn baby.

16:45 SPEAKER_01: Nobody picks them up and says, now let's see your performance review.

16:52 SPEAKER_01: Do they?

16:53 SPEAKER_01: Nobody says, What value have you added today, little one?

16:59 SPEAKER_01: Or or something like come back when you've achieved something.

17:06 SPEAKER_01: It's madness, isn't it?

17:08 SPEAKER_01: That little baby, they're enough because they exist somewhere along the way.

17:14 SPEAKER_01: Many of us have forgotten to apply that same, that same principle, that same test to adults too.

17:24 SPEAKER_01: When you're constantly, you know it, when you're constantly trying to earn your worth, what happens?

17:32 SPEAKER_01: You stop enjoying your life because everything, everything becomes some kind of test, some kind of assessment.

17:42 SPEAKER_01: Dinner becomes an assessment, your parenting skills become an assessment, work becomes an assessment.

17:52 SPEAKER_01: All of your friendships, even rest, becomes some kind of assessment.

17:59 SPEAKER_01: And I'd like to invite you to think of it this way: is that living, that constant sitting of permanent examinations?

18:13 SPEAKER_01: This is where joy I think quietly can enter the conversation.

18:19 SPEAKER_01: I'm not talking about happiness, right?

18:23 SPEAKER_01: Happiness is a fleeting thing.

Joy Begins When Self-Checking Stops

18:26 SPEAKER_01: I'm talking about joy.

18:29 SPEAKER_01: I'm talking about what I call that outrageous, unconscious joy.

18:37 SPEAKER_01: Because something magical happens when you stop asking what people think of me, and start asking, what can I give today?

18:50 SPEAKER_01: What can I give?

18:51 SPEAKER_01: How can I be helping someone else?

18:55 SPEAKER_01: Encouraging someone, listening properly, taking the time to make someone laugh, and suddenly your attention then leaves that horrible mirror and turns towards the world.

19:15 SPEAKER_01: You know, joy becomes where the self-inspection ends, you know, it begins there with that one genuine act of kindness.

19:30 SPEAKER_01: Can you do something perfectly?

19:35 SPEAKER_01: Can you do something perfection never has managed?

19:43 SPEAKER_01: It makes you forget yourself, you know, when you just spend a few minutes, a few beautiful minutes, just not checking, not judging, not comparing, not correcting yourself or other people, when you're simply just present.

20:07 SPEAKER_01: Maybe that's why generous people always seem much lighter, because they're just carrying through a fewer mirrors, I think.

20:20 SPEAKER_01: So here's so here's the thought I'd like to leave you with before we get practical.

20:28 SPEAKER_01: If perfection has spent years trying to convince you that you're not enough, do it a favour and yourself, stop arguing with it.

20:42 SPEAKER_01: Stop trying to prove it wrong.

20:45 SPEAKER_01: Yeah, go and collect some different evidence.

20:52 SPEAKER_01: You know, the kind of evidence that shows that you're capable, the evidence that shows that you're growing, the evidence that your value was never dependent on some flawless performance.

21:11 SPEAKER_01: I want to give you over the next few minutes some simple experiments that I think may help you prove that to yourself.

21:22 SPEAKER_01: Not by thinking differently, but by living differently.

21:32 SPEAKER_01: So, where does that take us?

Simple Experiments For Good Enough

21:51 SPEAKER_01: Instead of asking yourself, was I good enough?

21:57 SPEAKER_01: Or maybe when you do ask yourself that, I want you to replace it with one question instead.

22:05 SPEAKER_01: What did I learn?

22:10 SPEAKER_01: Interestingly, that tiny change rewires a lot that's going on in your mind because one question.

22:20 SPEAKER_01: Is about judgment, but the other is about growth.

22:25 SPEAKER_01: Perfection asks for a verdict, but growth asks for a lesson.

22:34 SPEAKER_01: You know, one of the reasons I call my method ABGW is because growth G is not about perfection.

22:50 SPEAKER_01: Growth, because growth assumes something that I think is very, very important to us as human beings, because you're already enough to begin with.

23:07 SPEAKER_01: Remember that baby?

23:09 SPEAKER_01: How we we don't ask anything of it other than to be what it is.

23:16 SPEAKER_01: You don't grow because you're broken, you grow because you're alive, and that's what all living things do.

23:24 SPEAKER_01: Trees grow.

23:26 SPEAKER_01: That baby becomes a child, and that child grows.

23:31 SPEAKER_01: Relationships grow, communities grow.

23:36 SPEAKER_01: Let me ask you something.

23:37 SPEAKER_01: Why should we be any different?

23:42 SPEAKER_01: I want you to think back to Heraclitus.

23:45 SPEAKER_01: I hope I'm pronouncing that right.

23:49 SPEAKER_01: You never step in the same river twice.

23:54 SPEAKER_01: Neither does the river, neither does you.

23:59 SPEAKER_01: Everything living changes.

24:03 SPEAKER_01: The only things that stop changing are things that are no longer alive.

24:12 SPEAKER_01: That's why growth, I think, feels natural because it's working with life instead of arguing with it.

24:25 SPEAKER_01: You know, here's a funny thing for me.

24:31 SPEAKER_01: And I know a lot of people have this issue with what they perceive as confidence.

24:40 SPEAKER_01: Confidence, I think, doesn't arrive first.

24:45 SPEAKER_01: Evidence arrives first.

24:49 SPEAKER_01: You know, you don't become confident and then start.

24:53 SPEAKER_01: You start and then confidently you confidence catches up with you with every email you send, with every difficult conversation you have, even with every podcast that you may publish, every mistake you recover from, you're collecting evidence.

25:21 SPEAKER_01: Because when I see people, you know, they come and they have what they perceive as an issue for them, and I watch them as they grow and they start collecting the evidence, and then you see the confidence just in the way they look and talk and stand, and it's like wow, because growth gathers proof, perfection waits.

25:53 SPEAKER_01: Now, if I'd waited until I felt totally confident, I definitely would not be sitting in front of my microphone now.

26:04 SPEAKER_01: I'd probably be recording version 33, 34, but instead I pressed publish and then I learned.

26:17 SPEAKER_01: And with the feedback that many of you have given me, I improved and I published again, and the podcast grew, and so did I, and again, I would like to thank everybody, all the 525 downloads that I received today.

26:41 SPEAKER_01: I want to thank you.

26:43 SPEAKER_01: I still am so grateful for that.

26:48 SPEAKER_01: You see, because growth is built on this, one imperfect attempt at a time.

26:59 SPEAKER_01: Let's make this practical because you know I I love to make um every episode as practical as possible.

27:09 SPEAKER_01: Leave one good thing at good enough, not care less, good enough, then notice the world will keep spinning.

27:26 SPEAKER_01: Or how about this?

27:28 SPEAKER_01: Do one unexpected act of kindness now.

27:33 SPEAKER_01: When I mean an act of kindness, I mean something where you're not expecting anything, not even a thank you in return, and I want you to notice how quickly your attention leaves your own inner critic.

27:52 SPEAKER_01: Or maybe you want to try this.

27:55 SPEAKER_01: Write down one thing that you've learnt, not achieved, learnt.

28:03 SPEAKER_01: The thing is, most perfectionists spend their lives marking their own homework.

28:11 SPEAKER_01: Remember that rucksack that's full?

28:15 SPEAKER_01: Everything gets a score, everything gets criticized, everything gets corrected.

28:21 SPEAKER_01: Imagine treating your best friend like that.

28:25 SPEAKER_01: Would they be your best friend?

28:27 SPEAKER_01: I don't think so.

28:29 SPEAKER_01: So why do you do it to yourself?

28:33 SPEAKER_01: So maybe today, maybe you could just become your own coach and instead of being your own examiner?

28:46 SPEAKER_01: What if today's scorecard looks like this?

28:53 SPEAKER_01: Did I learn?

28:55 SPEAKER_01: Did I help someone?

28:57 SPEAKER_01: Did I laugh?

28:58 SPEAKER_01: Did I make someone laugh?

29:00 SPEAKER_01: Did I recover?

29:02 SPEAKER_01: Did I stay curious during the day?

29:06 SPEAKER_01: Did I move forward?

29:08 SPEAKER_01: Even slightly.

29:10 SPEAKER_01: Remember, progress is progress, no matter the pace.

29:16 SPEAKER_01: I'd take that scorecard over perfection every single time because I know it's measuring life, not the fantasy of that horrible P word.

29:32 SPEAKER_01: Maybe the belief that we've all been chasing of chasing after all these years wasn't I must become perfect.

29:43 SPEAKER_01: Maybe it's something a lot more quieter than that.

29:48 SPEAKER_01: I am already enough because I am enough.

29:54 SPEAKER_01: I'm free to grow and learn.

29:59 SPEAKER_01: Notice the order, not I'm I'm grown until I'm enough, or I'll grow until I'm enough.

30:08 SPEAKER_01: The opposite.

30:09 SPEAKER_01: I am enough.

30:10 SPEAKER_01: You are enough, and therefore you can grow, and that changes everything.

30:19 SPEAKER_01: Nature never asks a flower to be perfect, it simply asks it to bloom.

30:26 SPEAKER_01: Nature never asks a tree to become flawless, it simply keeps growing, and maybe that's all life has asked of us too.

30:39 SPEAKER_01: Not to be perfect, not perfection, just growth.

30:45 SPEAKER_01: So today stop trying to earn your worth.

30:49 SPEAKER_01: You already have it.

30:53 SPEAKER_01: Use that freedom to learn something, help someone, learn one thing imperfectly and take one small step.

Progress Is Progress No Matter Pace

31:07 SPEAKER_01: You don't have to become enough before you can grow.

31:11 SPEAKER_01: You grow because you are already enough.

31:17 SPEAKER_01: Because every step you take, no matter how small, is a step towards a brighter, more balanced future.

31:26 SPEAKER_01: So trust in your journey and remember, progress is progress no matter the pace.

31:35 SPEAKER_01: I hope you have a really good day.

31:38 SPEAKER_01: Bye for now.

31:43 SPEAKER_01: I hope today's episode gave you something useful to carry into your week.

31:49 SPEAKER_01: Now finish your coffee, take a breath, and remember progress is progress no matter the pace.

31:57 SPEAKER_01: Until next time, bye for now.