Mr Darcy, Workplace Anxiety and the Exhaustion of Being the Capable One

Welcome And Why Stories Help

0:21 SPEAKER_00: Great story teaches us something about being human.

0:25 SPEAKER_00: I'm Cheryl Parris and this is Work Stress Anxiety.

0:29 SPEAKER_00: Together let's borrow a little wisdom from a story to help us navigate a very modern world.

0:48 SPEAKER_01: Welcome.

0:50 SPEAKER_01: Before we start, I just want to say thank you to all my listeners and I'd like to introduce a listener from Temple Hills, Maryland.

1:01 SPEAKER_01: Welcome to the show.

1:02 SPEAKER_01: I hope uh you always find the show useful.

1:06 SPEAKER_01: Um yeah, so let's get started.

1:09 SPEAKER_01: Um, today I want to talk about uh an introduction to Frederica.

1:14 SPEAKER_01: She's 51, she loves horse riding, skiing, ice hockey, she's an interior designer, okay, but she seems to have a problem.

1:25 SPEAKER_01: Yeah, the problem seems to be that her capability, the fact that she's so good at what she does, has become a bit of a costume.

Frederica The Capable One

1:36 SPEAKER_01: It's interesting because one of the things I find fascinating about high-achieving women is how often we are praised for the very thing that is quietly exhausting us.

1:50 SPEAKER_01: Just like Frederica, you're reliable, you're calm, you're that safe pair of hands.

1:57 SPEAKER_01: You know, you're the one person who comes in when everything else goes sideways, you catch the fire, you arrive with the words, could I help?

2:16 SPEAKER_01: And of course you do because you can, which is precisely problem.

2:23 SPEAKER_01: So whether you're listening on the school run, walking the dog, sitting in the car before work, or you just happen to be staring at your laptop with dead eyes, optimistic of someone pretending one more copy is gonna fix some structural problem.

2:43 SPEAKER_01: I am so pleased you're here because today we're talking about Frederica, the capable one, and more specifically, what happens when capability stops being a strength and starts being a costume that somehow you can't take off?

3:03 SPEAKER_01: So I introduced you to Frederica, you know, interior dark designer, she manages people, she absorbs pressure, she remembers all the birthdays, the deadlines, the school shoes, the policy changes, but she also cries in the toilet that she was last Tuesday.

3:26 SPEAKER_01: Okay, but Frederica, she is brilliant, but in reality, she's tired in the same way sleep doesn't quite touch.

3:38 SPEAKER_01: Every morning, Frederica puts on this version of herself, everyone recognizes the calm face, the useful voice, the tidy, empty toe, the tidy email toe, the little no problem she types, which while her actual soul is leaning across the desk, and it's in fact this is a problem, but she sends it anyway because being difficult feels more dangerous than admitting that she's becoming depleted, you know, that automatic yes.

4:23 SPEAKER_01: Someone asks if she can take on one more thing before she has checked her workload, her diary, or even just checked the basic energy, or even the basic laws of time and space, but she has said yes, not because she wants to, not even because she has capacity, but because some part of her learned a long time ago that being useful keeps you safe, it keeps you light, it's left alone.

5:02 SPEAKER_01: And you like Frederica?

5:05 SPEAKER_01: Because one of the most interesting things I had found, and here's the contradiction I can't ignore.

5:13 SPEAKER_01: Frederica is admired for being capable, but the more capable she is, the less people think of whether she's coping.

5:25 SPEAKER_01: It's a very neat little workplace trap.

5:30 SPEAKER_01: Performance well, performing steadily well enough, but people start mistaking your silence for capability.

Admired Silence And Hidden Strain

5:46 SPEAKER_01: You know what this reminds me of?

5:49 SPEAKER_01: I know it's so naughty, but I keep thinking about Mr.

5:52 SPEAKER_01: Darcy.

5:54 SPEAKER_01: You know, Fitzwilliam Darcy, you know, you know the one which is probably not where your HR trainee expects this episode to go, but here we are.

6:06 SPEAKER_01: Darcy walks into a room wearing pride, like fullbone wear, doesn't he?

The Armor Metaphor With Darcy

6:13 SPEAKER_01: Control, contain, impressive, so impressive, completely unbearable at times.

6:24 SPEAKER_01: Well, but the point is the performance protective until it doesn't.

6:32 SPEAKER_01: That capable persona is a bit like that, you know, it looks honest from the outside, it says the right thing, it does the right things, it keeps everyone at safe distance from the panic inside, the panic underneath.

6:51 SPEAKER_01: But after a while, the costume gets tight.

6:55 SPEAKER_01: You can't move in it technically, but after a while the costume gets tight.

7:05 SPEAKER_01: You can still move in it technically, but you can't breathe properly anymore.

7:12 SPEAKER_01: And to be clear, we're not here to sneer at any part of you.

7:20 SPEAKER_01: The capable motion properly has helped you survive.

7:25 SPEAKER_01: It may have got you your promotion, you're now trusted, you're taken seriously, and through room where nobody was particularly interested in your feelings, you know.

7:45 SPEAKER_01: Frederica, she may have you know got through this, she may have earned her key, she may have done a lot unpaid overturn, just like you.

8:01 SPEAKER_01: But perhaps the question now is not how do I become less capable?

8:07 SPEAKER_01: Perhaps the better question is where did capability become a price I have to pay to feel safe?

8:20 SPEAKER_01: Because that's where the real work begins.

8:23 SPEAKER_01: Not in blaming yourself for overfunctioning like Frederica, but in understanding why your nervous system keeps reaching for it like some familiar coat, even when the weather has changed.

8:43 SPEAKER_01: You know, one of the things I find fascinating, truly, is how many of us are not actually responding to the present moment.

8:54 SPEAKER_01: We're responding often to an old rule book, you know, that had rules in it like don't disappoint people, don't need too much.

Old Safety Rules And Nervous System

9:07 SPEAKER_01: Just don't make a fuss.

9:09 SPEAKER_01: And certainly, don't be difficult.

9:12 SPEAKER_01: Don't let them see me wobble.

9:15 SPEAKER_01: Keep coping, keep smiling, girl.

9:18 SPEAKER_01: Keep the plates spinning and try not to bleed.

9:22 SPEAKER_01: Definitely not on the carpet.

9:24 SPEAKER_01: And those rules may sound dramatic when you say them outlined.

9:29 SPEAKER_01: They do sound dramatic when you say them outlined, but inside your nervous system, they can feel completely sensible.

9:41 SPEAKER_01: Isn't it interesting if just saying yes once kept you kept you safe and kept the peace, your body remembers?

9:51 SPEAKER_01: If being useful made you feel safer, guess what?

9:56 SPEAKER_01: Your body remembers.

9:59 SPEAKER_01: If being calm got you praised, while being upset got you judged, guess what?

10:07 SPEAKER_01: Your body absolutely made a note of that in permanent ink.

10:14 SPEAKER_01: This is interesting because this is where Darcy becomes useful again.

10:20 SPEAKER_01: His pride is not just arrogance, as beautiful as it is, it's an alma, not an attractive alma necessarily, more emotionally constipated than ideal, but almour nonetheless.

10:38 SPEAKER_01: I'm sure you know many people like Mr.

10:41 SPEAKER_01: Darcy, and many capable women have their own version of that alma competency, control, helpfulness, violence, drawing, a tidy inbox, and a collapsing nervous system.

11:02 SPEAKER_01: Hey-ho.

11:03 SPEAKER_01: Maybe the real issue was never that you were too capable.

11:10 SPEAKER_01: Yeah?

11:10 SPEAKER_01: Maybe the real issue is that capability became your way of staying safe.

11:17 SPEAKER_01: You know, if I cope, I won't be criticized.

11:20 SPEAKER_01: If I don't, I won't be rejected.

11:23 SPEAKER_01: If I know the answer all the time, I won't be exposed.

11:30 SPEAKER_01: I never need anything.

11:32 SPEAKER_01: Nobody could ever be disappointed in me.

11:37 SPEAKER_01: Maybe we need to rethink that because that sounds incredibly exhausted, but may internally strangely sound logical.

11:52 SPEAKER_01: And work policies, let's be honest, often reward this beautifully because they you know it, they love the person who absorbed all the pressure without asking awkward questions about priorities and staffing and resources and boundaries, or whether one human being is now expected to operate like some anxious photocopier.

Workplace Praise Versus Body Signals

12:22 SPEAKER_01: The system praises your resilience while quietly increasing the load.

12:28 SPEAKER_01: But guess what?

12:30 SPEAKER_01: Your body is not fooled by praise.

12:36 SPEAKER_01: Interestingly, why I found is that your body notices the jaw tension, it notices the shallow breathing, your stomach dropping when another message lands, and then you start noticing your sleep that starts breaking at 2.03 in the morning because apparently that's when your brain opens its complaint department, and your nervous system isn't interpreting your success, it's trying to make your success sustainable.

13:19 SPEAKER_01: But interestingly, here's the contradiction I think can't be ignored.

13:26 SPEAKER_01: You may be respected because you never drop anything, but you are human.

13:35 SPEAKER_01: You are human, you're not a shout.

13:38 SPEAKER_01: You may be trusted because you always cope, but coping is not the same as being well, is it?

13:49 SPEAKER_01: You may be praised for being easy, but let's face it, easy can become very expensive when the cost is you.

14:02 SPEAKER_01: So maybe there's a deeper truth to this.

14:07 SPEAKER_01: Somewhere underneath that automatic yes, there is usually that old rule that says I must always cope, I must always be obtainable, I must always know what I'm doing, I must never disappoint anyone.

14:28 SPEAKER_01: Even Frederica said, I must be impressive enough not to need anything.

14:37 SPEAKER_01: And vague guilt is horrible, and named rule is something we can actually work with.

14:49 SPEAKER_01: So let's think of it this way.

14:52 SPEAKER_01: Now, the answer is not to smash the rule dramatically and announce you've got some new personality on LinkedIn.

15:02 SPEAKER_01: Please don't do that.

15:04 SPEAKER_01: Okay, the internet has suppered enough.

15:07 SPEAKER_01: What I want you to think about is if your nervous system has been used to that kind of rule for years, it's not going to appreciate whipping it away like some sort of emotional plaster.

Sustainable Capability And New Contract

15:21 SPEAKER_01: No.

15:23 SPEAKER_01: We don't need to demolish the whole house here.

15:26 SPEAKER_01: We just maybe need to open a window.

15:30 SPEAKER_01: So let's put it this way: we're not going to try to destroy the capable version of you.

15:38 SPEAKER_01: We're going to do something maybe and a little bit more simple.

15:42 SPEAKER_01: We're going to update your job description because the aim is not to become less committed, less professional, less reliable, or even less of you.

15:55 SPEAKER_01: The aim is to become capable in a way your nervous system can actually afford.

16:05 SPEAKER_01: So let's begin with really.

16:14 SPEAKER_01: Like I said, you've done a lot of pain over time.

16:19 SPEAKER_01: You know, like Frederica, you know, you may have protected yourself.

16:27 SPEAKER_01: You know, she may have helped you earn.

16:30 SPEAKER_01: Frederica may have helped you earn your trust.

16:36 SPEAKER_01: That you have avoided criticism.

16:40 SPEAKER_01: That feeling of belonging, surviving and keeping going when stopping didn't feel safe.

16:47 SPEAKER_01: So no, we're not we're not firing.

16:51 SPEAKER_01: We're not firing you.

16:52 SPEAKER_01: We're just we're just reviewing the contract.

16:57 SPEAKER_01: Because what we're interested in is a healthier alternative.

17:01 SPEAKER_01: A healthy alternative is not becoming less capable, it's becoming sustainably capable, capable with limits, reliable with honesty, helpful with capacity.

17:16 SPEAKER_01: What does that sound like?

17:18 SPEAKER_01: How does that sound to you?

17:20 SPEAKER_01: Professional without self-abandonment or being committed without treating yourself like you're a piece of office equipment.

17:33 SPEAKER_01: Because the aim is not to become less capable, the aim is to become capable in a way that your nervous system can actually afford.

17:42 SPEAKER_01: Now, in the ABGW method, A is for awareness, and awareness comes first.

17:50 SPEAKER_01: Not because awareness is fancy, because you can't change a rule that you haven't actually noticed that you've been obeyed.

Practical Steps Pause Name Loosen

18:02 SPEAKER_01: The first step is not a boundary, it's not a speech, it's not marching into work with some new energy and actually terrifying everybody.

18:12 SPEAKER_01: The first step is noticing, noticing what's actually going on.

18:18 SPEAKER_01: So here's a little experiment that I'd like to try out, you know, pause before, yes, not a dramatic pause where people think, you know, it's frozen out, you know, the electricity's gone off.

18:33 SPEAKER_01: Just a small interruption into that old pattern.

18:37 SPEAKER_01: Instead of saying, Yay, no problem, why don't you think about it like this and say, let me check what I'm already committed to and come back to you?

18:49 SPEAKER_01: And that pause is not a rebellion, it's it's literally about you reclaiming the steering wheel before your capable persona drives into another ditch.

19:00 SPEAKER_01: Then when you have a quiet minute, finish this sentence.

19:06 SPEAKER_01: At work, I feel I must always what?

19:13 SPEAKER_01: I must always cope, I must always be available, I must always say yes, I must always know the answer, I must always make everyone else happy.

19:24 SPEAKER_01: The thing is, it's not to judge it, it's to name it.

19:29 SPEAKER_01: A name rule is something we can work with, something you can work with, and then you don't have to break the rule, you just kind of need to spray a little bit of WD40 on it, loosen it out by one notch.

19:48 SPEAKER_01: So the old rule might be I must always cope, and the loosened rule could be I can be capable and still answer spore.

19:59 SPEAKER_01: Or maybe it might be I must always say yes, and you can loosen that up to be I can pause before I commit.

20:11 SPEAKER_01: Or something that Fred Ricky uses all the time, I must never disappoint anyone, and listened up that can be maybe I can be respectful without taking responsibility for everyone else's feelings and yes, believable matters.

20:34 SPEAKER_01: Don't replace I must always cope with I am a raging goddess or effortless boundlessness.

20:44 SPEAKER_01: Sorry, that's lovely for a mug, but it's absolutely useless in the meeting.

20:49 SPEAKER_01: Make it small enough to believe, you know.

20:52 SPEAKER_01: I can take 10 seconds before I answer.

20:56 SPEAKER_01: I can ask one clarifying question, I can say what I can do, not just absorb everything.

21:06 SPEAKER_01: Because what I want is for your new belief, yeah, your new belief will help you.

21:16 SPEAKER_01: What's interesting is for your new belief makes you want to punch a cushion.

21:20 SPEAKER_01: Um, it needs to be smaller.

21:23 SPEAKER_01: It definitely needs to be smaller.

21:26 SPEAKER_01: Then give yourself one thing sentence, not speech, not a fed thought with some guilt attached to it.

21:34 SPEAKER_01: I always like I can do X but not Y.

21:39 SPEAKER_01: I am capable and have capacity to do A and B.

21:45 SPEAKER_01: Which varieties should move?

21:47 SPEAKER_01: Or I can support this, but I can't own it.

21:53 SPEAKER_01: You don't need a speech, you just need one sentence that doesn't apologize for your existence.

22:01 SPEAKER_01: And yes, your body may still react, and you may still feel guilty, you might even get hot in the face, you know, desperate to send another email, softening the first email because apparently that one clear sentence now requires some emotional sequel.

22:26 SPEAKER_01: That does not mean you did the wrong thing.

22:29 SPEAKER_01: You know, one of the things that I've learned is that discomfort is sorry.

22:37 SPEAKER_01: Discomfort is always a warning.

22:40 SPEAKER_01: Sometimes it's just the feeling of an old pattern not getting its own way anymore.

22:47 SPEAKER_01: That's obviously what it is.

22:49 SPEAKER_01: So today, keep it small.

22:53 SPEAKER_01: What I want you to do before your next automatic yes, I want you to pause and ask, Am I agreed from choice or from an old rule?

23:07 SPEAKER_01: And then take 90, 90 seconds, feet on the floor, you know, unclench your jaw, roll back your shoulders, a nice normal exhale, and remind yourself this thing discovered it's not danger.

Small Boundaries And Handling Guilt

23:24 SPEAKER_01: You don't need to become less capable, you need to stop making capability cost your health.

23:36 SPEAKER_01: Now, if this helps you recognize the version of yourself that's been trying to keep performing, follow work stress anxiety for practical, honest support with work stress, workplace anxiety, and emotional exhaustion.

Closing And How To Follow

23:56 SPEAKER_01: And what I want you to remember until especially until the next time is that every step you take, no matter how small, is a step towards a brighter, more balanced future.

24:12 SPEAKER_01: Trust in your journey and remember progress is progress, no matter the pace.

24:21 SPEAKER_01: Bye for now.