Nervous System Damage From Fear-Based Leadership | A Voldemort Lesson

Welcome And The Core Idea

0:21 Speaker 0: A great story teaches us something about being a demon. I'm Cheryl Paris, and this is Work stress anxiety. Together,

0:30 Speaker 1: let's borrow a little wisdom from a story to help us navigate a very modern world.

0:42 Speaker 1: Have you ever noticed that some people don't have to say anything before the whole room changes? 1 person walks through the door, conversation stops, people sit up straight, someone suddenly becomes fascinated by the little doo doo that they've just made. It's almost as if the room collectively holds its breath. Today isn't really about Harry Potter, it's about something much more common.

Managers who confuse fear with respect

1:14 Speaker 1: It's about the managers who confuse fear with respect. Hi and welcome to Work stress anxiety. I am Cheryl Parrotts. Welcome if you're new here. If you're listening because work has started following you home, if meetings replay themselves inside your head while you're trying to fall asleep, or if you're brilliant at your job but somehow keep wondering whether you're actually the problem, you are in exactly the right place. Before we start, I just wanna say thank you. Whether you've been here since my very 1st episode or you've just discovered the podcast, I'm genuinely grateful that you've chosen to spend these minutes with me.

2:07 Speaker 1: Every message I receive reminds me that none of us are struggling in isolation.

2:18 So let's take you to a Thursday afternoon, it's just after 02: 00 so everybody should be back at their desks. Lunch has finished at this sheltered housing scheme, residents have wandered back to their flats, the staff are chatting while they're waiting for the afternoon meeting to begin. It's 1 of those ordinary afternoons that no 1 expects to remember.

The Meeting Where Everything Shifts

2:42 So let's take you to a Thursday afternoon, it's just after 02: The atmosphere is relaxed, people are making cups of tea, eating too many biscuits, Someone wrestles with a photocopier while it seems to have some sort of personal vendetta, you know photocopiers. People are actually smiling and today's meeting is supposed to be good news because the organisation has agreed to invest in the building. There's talk of an expansion, an in house hairdresser, a regular podiatrist, better facilities nothing dramatic, just practical improvements that will genuinely make life better for the residents and everyone feels quite optimistic.

3:27 So let's take you to a Thursday afternoon, it's just after 02: Then the area manager walks in and everything changes. Nobody announces it, nobody says here we go. The room simply shifts, conversations stop halfway through, people straighten their backs, eye contact suddenly becomes optional. 1 of the managers there is a lovely lady called Tony. Tony's 40 years old. Excellent, truly excellent at what she does because the residents trust her, families ask for her, you know, she's that sort of manager who solves problems quietly before they become everyone else's problems.

4:12 So let's take you to a Thursday afternoon, it's just after 02: The meeting starts, Toni answers a question, then she's criticised publicly, not over something dangerous, not over poor care, not even over anything particularly significant, something tiny, something that could quite easily have been dealt with privately. And that's when something struck me. The criticism wasn't really about correcting a mistake, it was a performance, a reminder to everyone else in the room about who held the power.

The difference between respect and fear

4:59 So let's take you to a Thursday afternoon, it's just after 02: Funny thing about respect, it rarely arrives looking like silence, but fear does. And think that's where so, so many workplaces get the 2, I think, completely confused. So, where does this leave the meetings? Let's just leave the meeting for a moment because what happened to Tony isn't unusual, in fact it's 1 of those life lessons. That's exactly why it's worth talking about. Most workplaces don't have a Voldemort or is it Lord Voldemort? Now don't get me wrong, I appreciate there are some people who just for whatever reason, they've had a bad time in life, but honestly, they just literally suck the positive energy out of any situation.

6:04 So let's take you to a Thursday afternoon, it's just after 02: Not that I'm trying to be judgmental here, it's just that I've seen it so many times how 1 person can just literally suck the energy out of a room. But they have someone whose ego arrives about 30 seconds before they do. I'm not talking about someone who's evil. No, I'm not. Most people aren't evil. I'm talking about the manager whose mood becomes everyone else's weather forecast. People check their face before they check their diaries. You know, you've worked somewhere like that where you can tell what sort of day it's going to be just by the sound of someone's foot steps in the corridor outside.

6:58 So let's take you to a Thursday afternoon, it's just after 02: And after a while you stop noticing you're doing it, you become an expert at reading those tiny signals the sigh, the folded arms, the raised eyebrow, the email that simply says can we talk? 5 words that have ruined most evenings that most people care to admit. And here's what I think is so fascinating.

Your nervous system's favourite question

7:34 So let's take you to a Thursday afternoon, it's just after 02: Your nervous system loves patterns. Its favourite question isn't am I happy? It's I think am I safe? If criticism has become unpredictable, your body starts scanning for danger before your conscious mind has even opened the meeting agenda.

Why Your Body Scans For Danger

8:00 So let's take you to a Thursday afternoon, it's just after 02: Maybe that sounds familiar, you rehearse what you're going to say before every meeting, you read the email 3 times before pressing send, you apologise for things that you don't actually need to apologise for, not because you've suddenly become less capable, because uncertainty has quietly become exhausting. And this is 1 of the biggest myths I think about overthinking.

The myth of overthinking

8:34 So let's take you to a Thursday afternoon, it's just after 02: People think of it as a personality flaw. I don't. I think overthinking is often what your brain is doing. It's almost like it's trying to hold some sort of committee meeting, you know, version of you wants to have a vote, 1 says send the email, another says rewrite it, Another part of you says, well, what if she reads it in the wrong way? Another part of you says, okay, perhaps wait until tomorrow. Nobody can agree. Nobody So, nothing happens. Not because you're indecisive, because your brain is desperately trying to stop you making the wrong move and that's why And why is the committee meeting happening?

9:38 So let's take you to a Thursday afternoon, it's just after 02: Because somewhere along the line your nervous system learned that getting something wrong carried a heavy cost. A cost that you perceived as heavy. Maybe it's embarrassment, maybe it's criticism, maybe being made to feel small, so now every decision gets referred to the committee inside your head. Unfortunately, you know from your own experience, committees are famous at making you know from your own experience, I think it's fair wearing a because real leaders don't shrink the room, they expand it.

10:28 So let's take you to a Thursday afternoon, it's just after 02: It creates enough psychological safety for people to disagree, ask questions, admit mistakes well, well, well before they become big big problems. And yes, to me fear is expensive not just for the individual but for the whole team, the organisation, people just stop sharing ideas, innovation dries up like some dried leaf. Problems that are there start getting hidden, states get covered over. The ironic thing is that that leader is trying the hardest to stay in control often ends up receiving the least honest information, which as a leader is crucial, you need honest information and this is where most of us accidentally, I think, make things harder for ourselves.

11:37 So let's take you to a Thursday afternoon, it's just after 02: 1 of the things that I've noticed, we start measuring our own worth through someone else's behaviour. She spoke to me like that. He ignored my idea. I mustn't be very good, maybe. But before you sentence yourself, let's just widen the camera here because there might be another explanation that you've never been taught to consider.

2. Becoming a detective

12:12 So let's take you to a Thursday afternoon, it's just after 02: What could that be?

Step Back And Look For Patterns

12:14 So let's take you to a Thursday afternoon, it's just after 02: Well, imagine you're no longer sitting in that meeting. Instead, you're standing quietly at the back of the room. Just imagine that for a moment. You're not trying to escape situation, you're simply trying to see more of it, more of what's going on because stress has a really annoying habit of zooming the lens right in until all we can see is ourselves. When you step back 3 or 4 paces metaphorically something interesting happens. You start noticing things you couldn't see when you were emotionally right in the middle of it.

13:08 So let's take you to a Thursday afternoon, it's just after 02: You notice that other people have stopped contributing. You notice nobody challenges the manager. You notice experienced staff suddenly become very quiet. The picture even gets bigger and here's something I've learnt over the years individual moments can be very misleading because we all have bad weeks and bad months and bad years and bad days but patterns, patterns really are. 1 difficult conversation might seem to be a bad day, the same pattern with everyone week in week out tells a very different story.

14:03 So let's take you to a Thursday afternoon, it's just after 02: Patterns are evidence. That's why detectives look for them and that's why we should too. So instead of asking, What's wrong with me? Try asking yourself this. As you stand there observing what's going on what pattern am I actually looking at? Because they're very different questions. 1 assumes guilt before you've gathered any information and the other asks you to become curious, just a little bit curious, before you become self critical.

14:48 So let's take you to a Thursday afternoon, it's just after 02: Okay, so here's a sentence I'd love, absolutely love for you to remember Someone else's behaviour is data, it isn't automatically my identity. Say that again. Someone else's behaviour is data. It isn't automatically your identity. Because if you remember nothing else from today, remember that, please. So here's an experiment that you might want to try this week. Become a detective. Not a prosecutor, not a defence lawyer, just a detective. When something happens that knocks your confidence, I want you to take a moment and write down 3 things.

The Detective Method For Confidence

15:43 So let's take you to a Thursday afternoon, it's just after 02: The 3 things are question number 1, what actually happened? The facts. You know, rip, is it Kipling's number 6? Kipling's 6? Who, what, why, when, how, where, I can't remember them, but use that as a guide, only the facts. Imagine the meeting was recorded by your own personal security camera, No assumptions, no mind reading, no filling in the gaps, just what actually happened.

16:22 Question number 2: What evidence says I genuinely handled this badly? Notice I said evidence. Not feelings evidence.

16:36 Then question number 3: What evidence tells me something about the other person's behaviour? Because that's evidence too and we often forget to collect those things. Okay, So before we finish, let me leave you with these 3 thoughts. What do I hope?

17:05 Then question number 3: So before we finish, let me leave you with these 3 thoughts.

What to remember

17:10 Then question number 3: What do I hope you understand now?

17:19 Then question number 3: What I hope is that you understand that your nervous system isn't making you weak, it's trying to keep you safe in an environment it has learnt might not be so. What can you stop blaming yourself for? Every emotional reaction that you have to an unpredictable leader, that reaction makes sense. And what 1 thing you can try next. I invite you to become curious before you become self critical. Become curious like the detective. Remember some managers build confidence, others collect fear. I want you to know the difference because your confidence is way, way too expensive to leave in someone else's hands.

18:21 Then question number 3: Like Andy, my friend often says, don't let anyone live in your head rent free. So if today's episode resonated with you, I'd love for you to podcast at followthepodcast.com/workstressanxiety so that you never miss an episode and until next time remember someone else needs to feel powerful, someone until the next time remember someone else's need to feel powerful isn't evidence that you're powerless.

Final Takeaways And Follow Link

19:00 Then question number 3: So every step you take, no matter how small, is a step towards a brighter and more balanced future. Trust in your journey and remember progress is progress no matter the pace. I'm Cheryl Paris and thank you for listening to Work stress anxiety. Bye for now.

19:22 Then question number 3: I hope today's episode gave you something useful to carry into your week. Now finish your coffee, take a breath and remember progress is progress no matter the pace. Until next time. Bye for now.