The Resilience Trumpet And The Office Sandwich

Introduction

0:23 Speaker 0: Hi, it's Cheryl here. Welcome to Work Stress Anxiety by ABGW.

One of the most expensive mistakes we make at work

0:33 Speaker 0: 1 of the most expensive mistakes I think we make at work is assuming that everyone being nice means that they are safe.

Why Nice Can Mislead

0:46 Speaker 0: Nice can be real. Keep it.

0:52 Speaker 0: I'm not saying let's throw kindness into the bin like some unwanted office sandwich but nice can also be what I would call surface level, strategic.

1:08 Speaker 0: Nice can be what happens before pressure arrives.

1:15 Speaker 1: And sometimes people who smile at you most warmly is not the person who's protecting your welfare, who respects your role as a manager or leader, or is telling the truth when it matters.

1:34 Speaker 0: Annoyingly, I know.

1:36 Speaker 1: Very inconvenient of reality, isn't it?

Part 2: Discernment and how to recognize the difference between friendly contact and genuine safety

1:41 Speaker 0: This is part 2 of the seasons reveal people.

1:45 Speaker 0: In part 1, we looked at what happens when new management change, the emotional weather at work. Today we're going a

1:54 Speaker 1: bit deeper into Discernment and how to recognise the difference between friendly contact and genuine safety.

Friendly Contact Versus Real Safety

2:05 Speaker 1: The reason this matters to me is because people often do not leave damaging situations only because someone openly was cruel.

2:18 Speaker 1: Sometimes they leave because the atmosphere became impossible to breathe in while everyone continued using very reasonable tones of voice. That is the bit people struggle to explain.

2:37 Speaker 1: It sounds like a small thing from the outside, a tone, a meeting, a shift in access, a lack of warmth, being left out or being watched, a sense that if you say the wrong thing, the floor might quietly move underneath you.

2:58 Speaker 1: And because nobody has shouted, your brain says, maybe I'm imagining it.

3:06 Speaker 1: Your body may be saying something completely different though.

3:11 Speaker 1: What I've noticed is that many High Functioning Women have been trained directly or indirectly, to be reasonable at their own expense.

3:23 Speaker 1: Give people the benefit of the doubt, don't be difficult, be professional, keep the peace, don't make it awkward.

3:34 Speaker 1: Maybe they didn't mean it.

3:37 Speaker 1: Maybe you should just be more resilient.

3:40 Speaker 1: There it is, the old Resilience trumpet.

3:46 Speaker 1: But Resilience without reality can become self abandonment. You

3:53 Speaker 0: can be fair and still protect yourself. You can

3:57 Speaker 1: be compassionate and still notice patterns.

4:02 Speaker 1: You can give someone the benefit of the doubt once or twice without giving them the keys to your nervous system.

Discernment Without Self Abandonment

4:13 Speaker 1: This is not about deciding that everyone's a villain, because they're not, it's about learning that people belong in different categories of access.

4:25 Speaker 1: Some people are safe for your total honesty.

4:30 Speaker 1: Some people are safe for polite work conversation.

4:35 Speaker 1: Some need boundaries, documentation, and a witness if conversations are becoming difficult.

4:43 Speaker 1: That's not drama, that's Discernment.

4:47 Speaker 1: So how do you tell the difference between nice and safe?

How to tell the difference between nice and safe

4:52 Speaker 1: Safe usually has a pattern. Safe is consistent. Safe is clear.

5:02 Speaker 1: Safe respects your role.

5:07 Speaker 1: Safe doesn't punish you for asking reasonable questions.

5:12 Speaker 1: Safe doesn't make you pay emotionally for having boundaries.

5:17 Speaker 0: Safe doesn't require you to

5:20 Speaker 1: perform cheerfulness before you are treated fairly, and safe certainly leaves your nervous system steadier, not smaller.

5:34 Speaker 1: Nice, I think, may be warm in the moment, but if the pattern leaves you confused, tense, over responsible or unsure where you stand, that

5:49 Speaker 0: is not nice. That is information.

Workplace terms and relationship support roles

5:53 Speaker 1: And in workplace terms, this often shows through relationship support roles and change. Are relationships being respectful?

6:05 Speaker 1: Is support actually available or is it just mentioned in meetings? Is your role clear or is it consistently shifting?

6:16 Speaker 1: Is change explained properly or are you expected to absorb it with a smile while you're dunking a biscuit into your tea?

Patterns In Roles Support And Change

6:27 Speaker 1: And if things are becoming uncomfortable, keep it grounded.

6:34 Speaker 1: Date, time, what happened, what was said, what changed, what impact it had, what you asked for, what response you received.

The column people map

6:51 Speaker 1: Now, you might wanna try this little micro step, I call it the 3 column people map.

6:59 You write 3 headings on a bit of paper: warmth, pressure, evidence.

7:05 You write 3 headings on a bit of paper: Under warmth, you write down the people or the person that does that genuine support of you, not what they say, what they do.

The Three Column People Map

7:20 You write 3 headings on a bit of paper: Under pressure, write what happens when you you're left tense, small, confused, rushed, silenced or over explaining.

7:36 You write 3 headings on a bit of paper: And under evidence, write the plain facts, dates if relevant, examples.

7:44 You write 3 headings on a bit of paper: No, it's not about character assassination here, it's just about behaviour and impact.

7:50 You write 3 headings on a bit of paper: So for example, Warmth, you might say they want open communication. They say they want open communication.

7:59 You write 3 headings on a bit of paper: I feel anxious after my 1 to ones and unclear often about expectations. Evidence.

8:08 You write 3 headings on a bit of paper: In the last 3 meetings, priorities changed without written follow-up. That kind of note keeps you out of the fog.

Relief is not restoration

8:19 You write 3 headings on a bit of paper: Remember what I always say about relief and restoration?

8:23 You write 3 headings on a bit of paper: Relief is telling yourself they are nice really, so it's probably fine, because you need the discomfort to stop.

8:33 You write 3 headings on a bit of paper: Restoration is saying they may be nice, but I still need to look at the pattern. Both things can be true.

Relief Versus Restoration

8:43 You write 3 headings on a bit of paper: Someone can have really nice, good qualities and still not be safe with your vulnerability, your trust, your energy or your career decisions. So

8:57 Speaker 0: remember, nice is not the same as safe.

Safety at work is shown through consistent fairness, clarity, support, respect, and behaviour over time

9:01 Speaker 0: Safety at work is shown through consistent fairness, clarity, support, respect and behaviour over time.

9:13 Speaker 0: Trust the pattern more than the performance.

Trust The Pattern And Follow

9:18 Speaker 0: So if this episode has helped you in any little way please follow the podcast. This has been Work Stress Anxiety by ABGW.

9:29 Speaker 0: I am Cheryl Paris.

9:31 Speaker 0: Remember it's calm 1st, reality 1st then change because every step you take no matter how small is a step towards a brighter more balanced future.

9:43 Speaker 0: Trust in your journey and remember progress is progress, no matter the pace. Bye for now.