Resentment Is Your Boundary Alarm Clock: Stopping Where Work Stress Gets Too Much

When Reliability Becomes Self Sacrifice

0:21 SPEAKER_00: Hi and welcome to Work Stress Anxiety. I'm Cheryl Paris. Here's the question I want you to sit with today. At what point does independable quietly become self-sacrified? Because sometimes it looks like in the one who hopes you want to get things done and the one everyone relies on starts to slip. So I'm joined by Stephanie today and we're exploring where that line actually is and what happens when we finally decide something has to change. Let's get started. Hello everyone and welcome to work, stress, anxiety.

1:04 SPEAKER_00: I'm Cheryl. Welcome. If this is your first episode, welcome to the podcast. Here we don't mess about when it comes to work, stress and anxiety, and especially when we've got a guest. And I would like to welcome Stephanie. Hi Stephanie. Hi, thank you so much for having me on your show. Great that you could join me.

Why Boundary Advice Feels Unhelpful

1:26 SPEAKER_00: Um one of the things that I find really interesting is we've all heard advice, the advice, you know, that we should all set boundaries. Um I'm just curious, do you think that becoming one of those pieces of advice that is technically true but emotionally unhelpful?

1:48 SPEAKER_02: That's a great question. I I don't know, I think double-edged sword here. So yes, I do think everyone should have boundaries and everyone should have their line in the sand, so to say. Um, I do think it's a bit of sometimes there's that, okay. So we need to recognize that with these boundaries, there are going to be things that you like lose or gain. Um, and so I like to always say, like, I like to always say there might be a line of, okay, if this is a boundary I'm going to maintain or something that's really, really important to me, that also means that I might end up sacrificing X, Y, and Z. And so that's something I think to focus on, to pay attention to is what are the sacrifices associated with that, right?

2:33 SPEAKER_02: Like if I'm gonna be like, I'm not going out to eat, and I have a friend who always goes out to eat and always wants to go out to eat, well, then maybe I'm not going to really have that connection with them anymore, right? And we have to make a decision for my own emotional well-being as well as my boundaries, what's what's the most important part here? I think that that answers the question in a roundabout way.

Overwork Culture And Guilt At Work

2:56 SPEAKER_00: Thank you. Now, one of the things I know is, you know, and I'm sure you have friends, I'll be honest with you, when I was at school, I was a I was lazy. Um, I was I was very good at maths, and I thought to myself, as long as I I kind of assumed that I was naturally gifted around that sort of thing. And um, because I still got good grades, I didn't study. I didn't study at all. And even when I got to my A levels, I kind of studied. And then when I got to university, I kind of studied. But I know that a lot of people, especially um, I had friends who who weren't as privileged.

3:37 SPEAKER_00: I was quite privileged um in the fact that I had both my parents, they both worked, I never had to worry for money at all. Um, I really appreciate that. I probably didn't appreciate it at the time, but I just certainly appreciate it now. And I had friends who were very ambitious. They wanted to be doctors, surgeons, lawyers, you know, bankers, you know, and they worked really, really hard.

4:05 SPEAKER_01: Yeah.

4:05 SPEAKER_00: And a lot of them, you know, as you know, that I've seen as they've gone through the the years and they've got their qualifications and they finally got to the job that they always wanted, they've burnt themselves out. They've literally burnt themselves out. And because they didn't have any boundaries. That's that's the way I see it. They didn't have any boundaries. Now, I appreciate they worked very hard to get where they are, and I'm not disrespecting that at at any point. But I also know that I still have friends now who they're contracted to work, I don't know, a certain number of hours.

4:47 SPEAKER_00: Like they might start at eight and finish at four, and they feel guilty for leaving at four o'clock. It's almost as though they you know, someone literally has to push them out of the office for them to leave at four o'clock. And I s you know, I try, I mean, I try not to be a therapist with them, but I almost want to slap them because it's like you in this part of your life, you are willing to make sure you have boundaries. But when it comes to the workplace, where what's going on? And I'm just curious, what do you what do you think is going on for a lot of these people?

5:25 SPEAKER_02: How smart of bosses to set up a situation where coworkers will guilt each other and make them feel like, oh, you shouldn't leave when you're supposed to. I think that leads into culture, right? I think it leads into a call workplace culture of if everybody is staying late and you're the one leaving on time, well, people have this almost this like anger and this guilt of like, hey, why do you get to leave and like I have to stay here, right? Um, but ultimately, like everyone should be leaving at the time that they're done.

5:56 SPEAKER_02: It's just there's been this, obviously, in whatever company we're referring to, there's been a culture of like staying on longer, working harder, working more. And of course, any boss is going to encourage that or want that, right? So I think that that to me is like a company culture and workplace. And you don't have the boundaries to step out when maybe you should. But I also think that there's that subtle guilt. And this is this is kind of my when I first start talking to clients about boundaries, this is kind of the direction I always take.

6:27 SPEAKER_02: I'll talk about like the if you said yes to someone every single time, the first time you say no, they're gonna be shocked. And that's not necessarily on them, and it's not a bad thing, it's something different, right? It's an answer they're not expecting. If every time I ask my friend to come over, she says yes, and the first time she says no, I'm gonna be like, oh, wait, what? What's going on here? Right. But as you continue to do that and it becomes one way or the other more frequently, people get more used to that and more accepting of that, right?

7:00 SPEAKER_02: And I think sometimes we get frustrated if people don't accept and recognize our boundaries right away. But I think one of the most important things is everyone's human. And if it's not something we're used to, then how would they know? Right? How are they gonna know how are those parts gonna play into practice? Right. And so I hope that that's clear and makes sense. But it's the idea of you have to help people get used to and comfortable to what your new boundaries are. And that is also why I always say maintaining boundaries is way more important than setting boundaries because it's a consistent thing that we need to keep up with.

People Pleasing As Fear And Identity

7:41 SPEAKER_00: Now, you've worked with people navigating anxiety, trauma, and difficult relationships. Now, I I know for a f for a fact that I I call them um I I kind of call them limiting beliefs. I don't really call them limiting beliefs, I call them more like limiting perceptions because they're not uh they're just assumptions that we limit our like to think we're limiting ourselves until until and uh often until someone points it out to us that we're that they are perceptions. But I I'm I'm curious what hidden patterns have you know that keep uh are the patterns that keep people people pleasing even when they know it's not good for them.

8:32 SPEAKER_00: They recognize this I know this is something that I'm doing, I know it's not good for me, it's making me terribly unhappy. What what do you think are some of the hidden patterns behind that?

8:43 SPEAKER_02: Well, I think it's a desire to be liked. Like if we really zoom out and look at what is people pleasing, right? It's a desire to be liked, it's a desire to do things to make other people happy with us. And so we are gonna make sacrifices in order to kind of make other people happy and how big or how small those sacrifices are will change how our perception of things are and the how frustrated we get, right? Like that resentment of okay, if I'm always there to help you, and then the one time I ask you to help me, you're not there for me.

9:16 SPEAKER_02: Well, there's gonna be a little bit of resentment that builds there, right?

9:19 SPEAKER_00: Yeah. And do you think it's to do with fear or identity or or just generally habits or even something else? I think I would say both.

9:33 SPEAKER_02: I would say both, because I think if it's a habit to always say yes to do something for someone, if it's a habit to always be there for people, people are going to turn to you and ask for things, but also I think an identity, right? Like you were saying, or sorry, break. I think it can be an identity in that I always want to be the one to be there for people. I always want to be the one to help. And so we maybe stretch ourselves thin or burn ourselves out in order to do everything and anything to support other people.

10:04 SPEAKER_00: You know, we live, I don't know about you, but I I was really lucky when I was, you know, when I was younger as well. So much has changed in the world. And you can probably tell how old I am now because I keep s referring back. Um, but I remember when I left school, workplace was completely different. You could literally leave a job today and but by tomorrow be in another job, you know, and you worked there a couple of weeks, didn't like it, you just moved moved to another job.

Wellness Claims Versus Real Support

10:32 SPEAKER_00: I'm not saying all jobs are uh are like that, especially if you're training to be, you know, like a teacher or uh or a doctor or anything or anything like that. But one of the things that I've noticed that more and more and more I think um employers are exploiting the fact that people are overfunctioning. And it makes me incredibly mad because at the same time that they are doing that, they also have these beautiful banners that say we we we want to help you. We have the this brilliant culture where we support you and we have stress champions and mental health wellness days and you know all that with me crap.

11:25 SPEAKER_00: Okay, and I think it is crap because a lot of the time when it actually comes down to an employee saying or putting their hand out and saying, I would like help, they don't get the support they need from their employer. And I don't know if you if you've noticed, if you've noticed that, and that people then uh because they don't get the help or they get sort of flowery help, still continue those unhealthy patterns of behavior. And I'm just curious, gen and I'm talking generalizing here. Do you think that is true of most organizations that you've come across?

12:09 SPEAKER_02: So big question. So I think this is the culture piece, right? Like surrounding, okay, what are the expectations of other coworkers, right? And also what are we asking for? I think we need to be realistic in taking ownership over our own wellness as well, right? If your job is set eight to four and you have X amount of holidays and you go to your boss and you're like, I need help. I'm super burnt out, and you haven't used any of your holidays and you've been working every night until seven, I think there's some onus on you to be like, okay, wow, like I need to kind of change things a little bit and I need to make sure that I am doing the things that I'm supposed to be doing so that I am not burning myself out, right?

12:55 SPEAKER_02: I think that's a big part. But I also think that, yeah, you're right. I think that it's become trendy to promote that, like, oh, we support this and we support that. And I think there may be some level of like overpromising of okay, what can you actually, what can you actually do? Because at the end of the day, most places are businesses where they need people to work in order to funnel a business in order to keep things going. And so I think setting very clear expectations, even if they're not necessarily what people want to hear at the beginning, I think is one of the most important parts so that employees know what they're getting into and also know what they can expect.

13:37 SPEAKER_02: So I think I think a double-edged sword, if that answers the question there.

First Steps Using Resentment As A Signal

13:41 SPEAKER_00: Cool. And with that in mind, how can people? I know what I do because like I remember talking, um, I had supervision the other day, and I remember talking to a fellow hypnotherapist, and uh they said to me, Cher, you you've got it all sorted, haven't you? And I went, Have I? Well, I don't I don't think of it like that, but I suppose I have. It's just that I'm very clear where my bound what where my boundaries are. Yes, I have lost friends because of the boundaries that I have in my life, um, and people that I love, I you know don't have a relationship with them anymore because of it.

14:22 SPEAKER_00: But what I've also found is that often I'm laughing about it now, people kind of come round to my way of thinking eventually, and they appreciate that I had the strength of character to be assertive about what my boundaries are, and I kind of I really hope that anyone listening to this will think or or can think to themselves, there's something that's been bothering me. What can I do? How can I take those first steps to draw in that line in the sand around that thing? What would you say to someone?

15:04 SPEAKER_00: What are the first steps, the first few things that they can do to start drawing a boundary round that bit of their lives?

15:13 SPEAKER_02: I think that's so important. And I think the first step is noticing where do I feel resentful. Every time I do X, I feel really resentful and pissed off at this person. But really, you're mad at yourself. You're mad at yourself for doing things that maybe you don't want to do or that are crossing lines that you don't want to cross. And so I think I always look for resentment. And where do I hold the most resentment? And that is the first area to focus on. And that is the first area to be like, okay, I'm gonna stop doing X, Y, and Z because of the level of resentment that I hold when I do that.

15:50 SPEAKER_00: And just before we go, I'm just curious.

15:55 SPEAKER_00: What's something you you genuinely changed your mind on after all your years of counseling?

Maintaining Boundaries And Closing Challenge

16:03 SPEAKER_02: Oh, I love this one. And I'm gonna do it related to boundaries. That setting a boundary means nothing. Um, unpopular opinion, but true, that being able to maintain boundaries is very, very important. And that is what's hard. And I will tell that to all of my clients that you can come up with whatever grand plans that you have. But if you're not gonna maintain it, it's not gonna do anything. And it's also entirely up to you. And I think I've heard so many times, like, well, I told them that this is my boundary and then they crossed it.

16:33 SPEAKER_02: And it's like, then it's not. You have to make that choice and also fluid, right? Like boundaries are not a wall, it's it's a fluid, it's a fluid path. So those are the those are the biggest things that I've pulled away.

16:46 SPEAKER_00: Cool. Stephanie, I just want to thank you so much for joining me today. Thank you for sharing all your insights and your learnings over the years. Thank you so much. Thank you so very much for having me.

16:57 SPEAKER_02: It's been a pleasure.

16:59 SPEAKER_00: Before you go, I want you to leave with one very small thing to try. Notice where resentment shows up for you. Not so you can judge yourself, but because frankly, we have enough projects for it on the show. And if you really liked this podcast episode, please share it with someone you know and follow so that we've seen more episodes definitely at follow the podcast.com forward slash Workspress Anti. Bye for now.