Work Stress Pattern Recognition | When Boundaries Keep Moving

Why Exhaustion Does Not Mean Failure

0:21 SPEAKER_01: Welcome to Work Stress Anxiety. I'm Cheryl Parris. I'm just interested, have you ever looked at your life and thought I'm doing all the right things, so why do I still feel exhausted, irritated, or you know, just not quite yourself? Well today I am joined by a woman healthy, Tara Duncan, and we'll be talking about what can happen with stress, hormones, sleep, and lifestyle, and obviously the sheer amount we carried around with us, start bumping into each other. More importantly, we're talking about how to stop automatically assuming that the answer is to try harder.

1:11 SPEAKER_01: Because sometimes you don't need another thing on your list. You need to really understand what your body has been trying to tell you. So let's get started. Hi everyone, welcome to work stress, anxiety. I hope you're all doing well. Thank you very much for giving your time up to being here. I hope you learn lots in this episode. And why especially? Because I have a guest with me. Tiera, thank you, and welcome.

1:43 SPEAKER_02: Yeah, thanks for having me. I'm uh excited to be here.

1:46 SPEAKER_01: Okay. Now, um, you specialize in education for especially out around women's issues. Is that correct?

1:57 SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yep. I um focus on kind of what's happening behind the scenes for women, you know, why we're having the symptoms we're having. And I look at it kind of from a physiological standpoint, um, but also from a level of like working with people, coaching, and making things kind of accessible and and understood.

2:18 SPEAKER_01: Cool. Now, one of the things that I'm particularly interested in being a very capable, incredibly capable woman myself, I'd like to think, as many of my listeners are.

When To Stop Dismissing Symptoms

2:30 SPEAKER_01: Um you can be working hard, you can be doing all the right things, eating reasonably well, you know, but you keep pushing through things, you're caring for other people, yet they often tell themselves that they shouldn't feel exhausted. Why do you think so women end up blaming themselves for feeling like that?

2:57 SPEAKER_02: Yeah, you kind of hit the nail on the head with the blaming aspect. I think when we start to feel off and we feel like we're doing everything right, kind of the natural response is to do more. I'm not doing enough, I'm failing, I need to do this, this, and that. And I think sometimes we need to take a step back and say, okay, maybe a routine that worked five years ago no longer is working because now I'm a mom. Now I'm a caretaker, now I have more duties at work. And so I think it's really helpful to reassess and say, what has changed in my life from when it was working to why I feel like it's not working?

3:35 SPEAKER_02: And where can I simplify and not actually add more things, but make things um less complicated for myself?

3:43 SPEAKER_01: And and I'm sure you've experienced with the coaching that you've done, at what point, you know, should um someone dismiss what they're experiencing, you know, because I know sometimes people just think, well, it's just stress that I'm experiencing. Um, and I'm often curious as to when people should say to themselves, this actually might be something else that's contributing to why I'm feeling this way. When do you think people should consider that? As not just being, I'm stressed, but there might be something underlying going on, especially as we get older and start experiencing more stuff going on with our hormones and stuff like that.

4:32 SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I would say it's when it becomes a pattern. You know, everyone's gonna have an off day. You're not gonna have a good night's sleep. You ate something and it didn't sit well with you, you've got a work project and a deadline you have to meet. Everyone has an off day. But when you start noticing that, like every morning you wake up and you're just exhausted, or you feel like you have to pound caffeine to get through your day, or you're just not, you feel like you have no patience, or you're just irritable all the time.

5:01 SPEAKER_02: Now we're seeing a pattern of of symptoms, basically that's what they are, they're symptoms telling us that maybe there's something else going on and our bucket is getting a bit too full.

5:12 SPEAKER_01: Okay. Now, can I just ask you, when you talk to women normalizing their symptoms because of the experiences that everyone else around them is having, why do you think women are very good at accepting exhaustion?

The Hidden Mental Load On Women

5:31 unknown: Yeah.

5:32 SPEAKER_02: We carry the emotional and mental load, right? Our brains are always thinking about what has to get done next. What's that checklist, that task? And I think we do it without even realizing that we're constantly um creating this on-edge feeling. And I think it's because, you know, and I'm not gonna speak for every woman, certainly, but a lot of us are the primary potentially caretakers or watching our children again on that mental and emotional side, even if dad is chipping in and helping out, their brains are probably not going to, I gotta make the doctor appointment, I gotta get the vet set up for the dog.

6:11 SPEAKER_02: And then also in the workplace, we carry the emotional and mental load for our coworkers sometimes. You know, go to a meeting and you're kind of assessing how is everybody responding? Does this work? Is the team doing well? And I think that sometimes our male counterpart don't think about those things or have the same level of experience.

6:31 SPEAKER_01: Now, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm saying it anyway.

Boundaries And Saying No Without Guilt

6:34 SPEAKER_01: I've become very um, and I hope people don't take this the wrong way. I've become very selfish in the way that I approach um my time. I try and be respectful of other people's time, and that's why I appreciate you being here with me today and what and what you're sharing. But I try, I'm very good now, annoyingly for my mum at the moment at the moment. She phoned me this morning and and kind of told me off. I'm very good at saying no to things, and a lot of people I can appreciate because I I'm quite assertive, that people find that a bit, they're not used to it.

7:16 SPEAKER_01: People that know me and have known me a long time, they just think, well, that's that's just cherry. And they appreciate the fact that when I say no, it's not because I don't love them or I don't want to be with them. It's just that I know what my limits are, but I appreciate not everyone has had the same experience as me, has had the same insights as me, and has spent as much time as I have, especially over the last five years, constantly reflecting on what I'm doing. I do a lot of journaling and I've pretty much journaled out everything in my life to the point where now I can happily sit with things.

7:56 SPEAKER_01: I mean, don't get me wrong, things still upset me, but I can sort of almost say, well, yeah, yeah, that happened and I'm still here, you know. So yeah, but I know that a lot of women they push through the effects that are going on, especially inside their body. And to me, there must come a point when they need to start trusting the signals that their body is giving them. Where do you think most women fall down on on that?

8:29 SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I again I think it it comes to what you said earlier. Like we make not excuses, that's not the right word, but walk around thinking that I'm feeling like crap is normal. And it doesn't have to be. And I think if we can communicate to women that like you're allowed to have energy and feel good and feel sexy and vibrant through perimenopause and menopause and all these stages of life, you don't have to feel bad. It may come down to managing lifestyle. And if lifestyle is not working, then maybe we need further assistance, right, through functional medicine or supplementation, right?

9:06 SPEAKER_02: There's other pathways. But you do not have to, I'm just telling women, you do not have to accept feeling like crap. And you have to create that boundary for yourself because really that's what it is. Um, like you said, you know your capacity, you know your limitations. And that's respecting and loving yourself. So I think for a lot of women, it's not about you inconveniencing other people. You're not a bad person. If you take care of yourself, now you're the best, you're kind of in the best position to then take care of other people, to then execute your responsibilities from a great place.

Sandwich Generation Balance And Priorities

9:42 SPEAKER_01: Now, this may seem like a strange question, but as you were speaking, it sort of came came to mind. Now, I know a lot of people who are sort of, I think the the common phrase is like they're the sandwich generation. Yes. They're they're of the age, they may be starting to be, you know, perimenopausal, they've got older parents who are still alive, um, who may be frail, whom they're looking after, and they still got little ones running around. Sometimes they're they are little, little ones, and sometimes you know, they're teenagers, and they feel guilty, or they can feel guilty, about the amount of time they allocate to mum and dad and to their children.

10:26 SPEAKER_01: And one of the things that I always encourage people to do is, like you say, not apologize for wanting to have balance in your life. I've already told my daughter that I didn't have her to look after me when I'm old. That's not why I had my daughter. I mean, don't get me wrong, I know other people have kids for various reasons, but me personally, I've already told her she doesn't have to look after me. It'll be nice if she comes around and sees me once in a while, make sure that I'm okay and that I'm still eating and all the rest of it.

11:01 SPEAKER_01: But she's grown up now and she's got her own kids, and I always wanted her to be in a situation where she didn't feel guilty about letting go of my relationship in the same way as as it was when she was uh she was younger. And I suppose what I'm alluding to is how how do you think, or what what is a practical step that people can take? I'm not saying everyone should be like me, yeah, because I'm just weird, but what is a practical step people might be able to take? Because what's it what's in my mind is you have to find balance, don't you?

11:41 SPEAKER_01: You have to find a balance, otherwise you go nuts, yeah, or your health, your health deteriorates, and then if your health deteriorates, you ain't helping nobody. That's right. So what is a practical step that someone might start with so that they can start bringing more balance into their lives, especially if they're experiencing, you know, feeling exhausted all the time. I think it's one of the worst things you can feel is exhausted all the time, and yet you've still got your mind churning around saying, I've got to do this, I've got to do that.

12:17 SPEAKER_01: So what do you think?

12:19 SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I and I definitely relate to this. I'm 40, so my mom is in her 60s, and I have a two and a half-year-old daughter. So I totally relate to like being kind of in the cot in the middle. Um, something that's been really helpful for me and something that I've advised other women is is actually literally writing down your priorities and your time, what you're what you want your day to look like, what your day looks like, and then what you want your day to look like. And sometimes just seeing it and writing it on paper helps you go, oh man, I'm not spending any time for myself.

12:56 SPEAKER_02: No wonder why I'm exhausted. I haven't even gone outside today, right? I've been on the phone, I've been doing this, I've been doing that. And I think once you can actually see where you're at and where you want to be, that's when you can start making decisions. I'm gonna take a 10-minute walk after work or after I drop off my kid or whatever, without my phone and just unplug for 10 minutes. I'm gonna give that to myself. And that's a starting point. And that's kind of a practical way where you can see where you are, see where you want to be, and then we just slowly add things in to start making that change for yourself.

13:30 SPEAKER_01: Cool. Now, if someone's listening to listening here to us uh have this conversation today, what's the first thing you want them to stop blaming themselves about?

Stop Owning Other Adults’ Problems

13:40 SPEAKER_02: Ooh, that's a good one. Man, other adults' problems are not necessarily your problem. If people have made choices to put themselves in these positions and you feel like you're responsible for them, that is not necessarily your responsibility. And sometimes that's really difficult with siblings and parents. But if it's costing you your health, we got to reevaluate that.

14:05 SPEAKER_01: Isn't that interesting thing that you've said that it's so important that even though you may be a mum, a sister, a daughter, you know, that you still need to find the time for yourself. And even a 10-minute, I mean, I mean, I'm sort of laughing out loud when you say that, just 10 minutes. But yeah, it's so easy to get so caught up in what other people's priorities are.

HRT As A Tool Plus Lifestyle Basics

14:36 SPEAKER_01: Now, I don't know if you're an advocate for HRT. Are you just in general, are you an advocate for HRT?

14:46 SPEAKER_02: So I'm certainly not against it. I think good research, especially for bioidentical HRT, but I just want to caveat with that, not every woman responds well. And in my opinion, um, lifestyle has to be there first. So there's no amount of supplementation or HRT that's gonna replace four hours of sleep, not moving your body, uh, being stressed out all the time and going and eating, you know, uh ultra-processed food all day. You can do cold plunge and sauna and HRT and all that's all great. But if you don't take care of the basics, I don't have a good analogy, but you're you're putting a band-aid over like a huge open wound.

15:29 SPEAKER_02: So I believe it's a great tool to help you, but let's first get lifestyle stuff in place and then add that as an addition to feel even better if if needed, but also get your testing done, work with a great provider who actually listens to you. That's the worst, right? When you go to the doctor and they're like, eh, you're fine, you're just getting old. No, I might be getting old, but you gotta listen to me. Um, so those are my feelings on it.

15:58 SPEAKER_01: Cool. And you've given us already a practical tool that we can um, I would call I would call it a mental practical tool that we can, you know, sketch out our day and actually make sure we're moving towards the kind of day that we want. But before we go, can I ask you if you can think of a physical tool that someone can do straight away um that might help them?

Fast Decompression With Belly Breathing

16:23 SPEAKER_02: For like decompressing, maybe after a long day. Yes. Yeah, I so I really love, even if it's just three minutes, diaphragmatic breathing. So meaning breathing through your belly, in and out of your belly, or thinking about like you're breathing into your nose, not through your lungs, but really filling up your belly and then exhaling. That action uh helps processes in our body to actually calm down those physical processes. Um, so yeah, if you've got two minutes, three minutes, you've had a stressful day, do some diaphragmatic breathing.

17:02 SPEAKER_01: I just want to thank you, Tara, for sharing your insights with us today. Um, it's been great having you. Thank you. Yeah, thank you so much.

Closing Takeaway And Where To Follow

17:11 SPEAKER_00: One thing I hope you take away from today's conversation is this feeling exhausted all the time is not evidence that you need to become better at coping. Sometimes it's just information. And Tierra talks about notative patterns and understanding what's changed. So thank you, Tierra, for joining me and sharing your perspective. You'll find Tier's links and resources in the show notes. And if work stress anxiety helps you make sense of what you're carrying, please follow the cop card at follow the copcard.com forward slash work stress anxiety.

17:55 SPEAKER_00: Please don't miss the next conversation I for now.