Work Anxiety and Resentment As A Signal Of What Matters

Welcome And The Guilt Question

0:20 SPEAKER_01: Welcome to Work Stress Anxiety. If ever available decisions disappoint someone, your parent, your child, your employer or you, how do you stop treating guilt as proof that you've chosen wrongly? Well today I am joined by Janice Goldmit to explore resentment and choices. Remember to follow the podcast at follow thepodcast.com forward slash work stressanxiety because real life is really neat, but honest conversations can help us meet it with a little bit more clarity. So let's get started. Welcome to WorkStress Anxiety.

1:04 SPEAKER_01: I hope you're doing well. I'm your host, Cheryl. Um today I have an amazing guest with me. The reason why is because she is so knowledgeable about what a lot of us are experiencing. Welcome, Janice.

1:20 SPEAKER_00: Thanks for having me, Cheryl.

Resentment Can Mean You Care

1:21 SPEAKER_00: Happy to be here.

1:22 SPEAKER_01: Janice, you know, when I was growing up, I was a strange creature. I'll be honest with you, my dad, my poor parents, I don't know how they coped with me. But I remember, especially when my granddad, my maternal granddad died. And I was very angry and very resentful because I felt as if I didn't have as much time to get to know. I mean, like he died when I was 14. I have to say, out of my mother's side of the family, all my cousins, I'm the oldest. So I'm the one who got to know him the most in, you know, in those 14 years.

2:00 SPEAKER_01: But even then, I felt very resentful that he was taken away when he he was, because he was such a good man. And I remember thinking that me being resentful meant it meant I was uncaring. And I'm just curious, thinking about the, you know, the modern workplace now, do you think resentment sometimes is less about character and more about a message that something has become unfair or unspoken or even unsustainable?

2:33 SPEAKER_00: I don't think that resentment means you don't care. I think it's almost the opposite. When you resent something, it's because you care so much that the situation is causing you to have some kind of other feeling about it. You missing your grandparent is is because you loved him and now you aren't going to get a chance to continue to develop that relationship. And so your resentment isn't because you didn't care, it's because you care so much. It's the same, I think, in a lot of places is that when you have resentment, it's you feel almost unfulfilled.

3:11 SPEAKER_00: You feel like there was more I wanted to do, there was more I could have contributed, and I'm not allowed to, or I'm not able to. So I think it's almost the opposite of not caring. I think it's caring so much that not being able to carry through what you might want to carry through on is causing some some of that negative feeling.

Technology And The Pressure To Look Perfect

3:33 SPEAKER_01: Thank you. Um I feel reassured. Like I said, my we used to call him Papa, and he was such a good man. And I know that for a lot of people, you know, families, the way that we work now, even in the last 25 years, has changed a lot because of, you know, email and their mobile phones, and now we literally have our mobile mobile phones are literally computers now. Just thinking to myself, just say you've got you're working with a 45-year-old professional, they have a child, they want to have a good relationship with that child, so bring them up well, but they also have aging parents that they want to do, they want to be a good son or daughter to those aging parents.

4:21 SPEAKER_01: I'm just curious, why do you think it is that we feel as if we're being and I'm I'm just generalizing here, sometimes we feel as if we're being pulled, we're being pulled towards being that good child that we were, and we're pulled towards being that good parent, but yet we also are being pulled this way because we're still having to be a professional and still act in a certain way when you know, between the hours of nine and five, when our heads can sometimes be elsewhere, I our minds can be elsewhere, and we physically want to be elsewhere.

5:04 SPEAKER_00: And I think actually the technology is a part of that, strangely enough. I think in listening to a lot of different theories and ideas, social media, especially things like Facebook, everybody needs to look like, wow, I've got this amazing life. I've got my kids, I've got my parents, I've got my job, I've got my spouse, and I'm going on vacation. And look at how wonderful I cook and look at how beautifully I'm dressed. And to keep up with that standard everywhere in your life, very few people can actually do that.

5:42 SPEAKER_00: And so we want to make sure that what we're portraying is what we're supposed to be. And for most people, it's not. Most people, you know, you've got a kid in school that's struggling and really needs help. You've got a parent that doesn't want your help but needs it. You've got a job that is demanding your time and your and your effort and your focus. And some days you just want to throw up your hands and say, I don't even know what I'm doing anywhere. So I think the the technology is is a great tool, but we've also morphed into this, you have to have this perfect Kardashian life.

6:24 SPEAKER_00: And we don't, we don't. I have to say, what I am seeing a lot more now is people who are caregivers who are coming on to different platforms and saying, I'm telling you in reality, this is really hard. I am having a hard time, you know, I'm tired, I'm stressed out, I'm having issues with my kids, I'm having issues with my parents. And I'm seeing a lot more realism than I ever saw before. And I think finally that's a good thing. So that number one, you're able to share it and say, this is where I'm at.

7:02 SPEAKER_00: This is what my life is like. And if there's somebody out there that can say, Yep, I'm there with you, it makes it a lot easier than thinking it's just me. What's wrong with me? How come I can't do it all and be it all and whatever? And so we can form support groups or support systems, even if it's somebody who lives on the other side of the world, they understand. And that's so important to realize there's there's no perfection in any of this. It's a lot. We have made life very challenging at times because there's multi-generations.

7:41 SPEAKER_00: There are now, you know, it's not unusual to have four generations in a family where you've got the great-grandparents and the grandparents and the kids and then, you know, the little kids. And it's going to become more, you know, more common with medical technology and advances. So, how do you deal with this extended family and job and your own life? And we just somehow seem to seek that this has to look a certain way. And I think that that does come from social media.

8:13 SPEAKER_01: Speaking of social media, you're right. So many people who want to post the perfect life all the time. Unfortunately, I don't have that problem.

Stop Using Guilt As Evidence

8:22 SPEAKER_01: So I get very real with people, probably far too much than I should. But I do know that there's this word that is often used that we sometimes can use internally called guilt, you know, where we're constantly weighing up different options and we feel as if what's the modern phenomena? Fear of missing out. Right. You know, that if we do something, we make a decision, our parents don't like it, or our sibling doesn't like it, or then our work suffers, and then our kids don't like the fact that we're spending time with them.

9:00 SPEAKER_01: And I'm just curious, how do you think we can stop using guilt as evidence about the choices that we've made?

9:09 SPEAKER_00: The truth is, you know, guilt is real. I think what we have to realize too is that the emotions that we feel, there's nothing wrong with feeling guilty because it is exactly what you said, fear of missing out. If I go to my child's baseball game and I'm not, you know, staying later at work tonight, even though I know I have things to do, there's guilt. Or if you stay late at work and you don't go to the baseball game, there's guilt. It's real. What you have to accept in yourself is that it's, you know, kind of reframe guilt as choices.

9:49 SPEAKER_00: I am making a choice. Today, my choice is to go to the baseball game, and that's it. And whatever is there at the workplace will wait. Or I know that today, what's more important is the workplace. And my child will understand that this time I can't be there. It's a choice, it's a conscious choice that I am making. And I think if we swapped out that word guilt, or I am making a choice in this moment. Yes, I know if I go down path A, it's gonna take me a different way than if I go down path B. That's just life.

10:27 SPEAKER_00: We cannot experience everything that there is. It's not realistic. But if we can find a way to either neutralize it by saying it's a choice or making it positive, saying, yes, you know what, I'm really excited. I'm going to the baseball game. I'm gonna watch my child play and leave the rest. It might make it easier.

You Always Have A Choice

10:48 SPEAKER_00: Cool.

10:49 SPEAKER_01: You know, it's interesting you talk about choice, because you know, what if I'm just curious to to know what you're what you're thinking is when someone is basically saying to themselves, look, I don't have a choice in this, you know, does that choice or does those choices ever the almost like the available choices they feel is starting to threaten who they are as a person, how they identify themselves. What do they need to do? Feel as if they're rebuilding who they are or who they feel feel they are, when they feel as if I actually don't have a choice, you know, when things are thrown at them, you know.

11:33 SPEAKER_00: The truth is we always have a choice. There's the choice to say no. You may not like the consequence of the choice, or it may not be the consequence that you want, but I don't know very many things where we literally have no choice. Your choice can be, I don't want to deal with this. That's a choice. You know, this is too much for me to handle. I'm walking away. It's a choice, it's a choice to jump in with both feet over your head, overwhelm, because that's what I think I'm supposed to do right now.

12:07 SPEAKER_00: It's a choice. Not all choices, we don't always get the good choice and the bad choice. Sometimes it's the lesser of two bad choices, but there is a choice. And again, it's finding sort of that internal fortitudes to say, I know no matter what I choose, it's not what I would want. In this moment, what is the best choice?

E Plus R Equals O In Real Life

12:30 SPEAKER_00: I've done some work with Jack Canfield, who's the guy who wrote the chicken soup for the soul books, and he has this line, and I think this is probably the thing that has saved me a million times over and over. And it's E plus R equals O, and it's event plus reaction equals outcome. And we always think, well, here's an event and there's an outcome. But there's that piece in the middle of what's my reaction? Because that reaction is what's going to make the outcome go one way or another. You know, I use this example.

13:02 SPEAKER_00: You're you're on your way to a business meeting and there's a car accident right in front of you, and now you're gonna be late. So what's the outcome? Well, if your reaction to that outcome is, oh, now what do I do? I'm gonna be late, they're gonna be angry, that's an outcome. If you're if your response is, well, I need to call, I need to say, this is what happened, I might be late, and this is, you know, and if there's a consequence to it, there's, you know, I can't, or will reschedule or something different.

13:34 SPEAKER_00: That's a very different outcome. You're still delayed one way or the other. But how you feel after that interaction is what's different, and we have control over our reactions. Sometimes things are knee-jerk, and that's what causes us to have a certain outcome. But when we take a breath, we literally take oh, okay, I I've got to take a breath before I respond. Your outcome can be very different. And so much of how our life is lived is by our mindset. What do we make it mean?

14:09 SPEAKER_01: Okay. You know, before you go, I want to just ask you because I know that we often hear a great deal um in society that we should care, but we should have no regrets in in life. And that sounds that sounds lovely to me, but and I'm not I'm not making any for me, I don't make any any judgments because I have seen I have seen people go through some really serious stuff that I know that I probably wouldn't have been able to cope with. But I'm just curious to know what your thoughts are, Janice, around this promise of no regrets.

14:44 SPEAKER_01: And do you think it encourages people to sacrifice too much in an attempt to control everything?

No Regrets Versus The Big Picture

14:53 SPEAKER_01: Or do you think it's a good way to be or to think?

14:58 SPEAKER_00: It's really funny that you asked that because when people asked me about when I cared for my dad, what did you feel at the end of it? And I've often said I had no regrets. The truth is, of course I did. Like, of course I did. You know, there were the days where I didn't feel like going to visit, or the days where he was not in the best of moods, and I thought, oh, what am I doing here? Of course there's regret. I mean, that just again, it's it's a human feeling. It's normal. But if you can look at the big picture and say, I did what I thought was right in the moment, yeah, maybe some of it wasn't perfect.

15:35 SPEAKER_00: Maybe some of it I wish I had done different. But on the whole, on the big scope of things, I'm happy with how things went. Maybe that's a different way of saying it instead of no regrets, because life, again, because of those choices, you might have regrets. Because I wish I had gone to the baseball game. My son hit a home run and I didn't get to see it. So I kind of regret that I didn't go. But I made a choice. Again, it goes back to the choices. I made a choice, and this is what I did instead.

16:04 SPEAKER_00: So it's being okay with how it works out and knowing that in the moment when you made your choices, you made them from whatever decision process you made them. Now, if you let other people make the decisions for you, then I think you really do end up with regrets. When someone says, you should, you must, you have to, and you're going in a direction that you didn't really want to go in. I think there you're probably more likely to have deeper regrets because you didn't make those choices. They were put on you, and sometimes you wish you had chosen B instead of A. Okay.

16:44 SPEAKER_01: You know, Janice, I want to thank you so much for your insights. I mean, for me, it's always important that people know that whatever choices, like you say, they make, that in itself is an empowering thing. So I just want to thank you for your time for joining me today, Janice. Thank you. Thank you for having me.

17:03 SPEAKER_00: I really enjoyed it.

A One Sentence Reframe To Close

17:05 SPEAKER_01: So if guilt is following you around today, or maybe it was yesterday, you might gently change one sentence instead of I feel guilty because I should be doing that other thing. Try I am making this choice in this moment. I want to thank you, Janice, for being with me today. Relevant links and resources are in the show notes, and you can follow WorkSpress Anxiety for more grounded conversations just like this. Bye for now.