Why Confident Women Get Judged And How To Lead Anyway

0:33 SPEAKER_01: Hi everyone, it's Cheryl here.

0:35 SPEAKER_01: We're at amazing, brilliant, gorgeous, wonderful.

0:39 SPEAKER_01: Today we're talking about that lovely modern experience where you're competent, capable, and doing your job, and somehow that still comes with a side order of judgment.

Naming The Visibility Tax

0:55 SPEAKER_01: Yes.

0:56 SPEAKER_01: If you're a woman in leadership who feels like being visible is risky, exhausting, strangely punishable, this episode is for you.

1:10 SPEAKER_01: Yes.

1:12 SPEAKER_01: We're going to be looking at why just being confident, just being new, is the sort of advice people give you when they don't understand the problem and what's really going on underneath it.

1:27 SPEAKER_01: And yes, we'll be doing it without turning you into another one of those motivational posters.

1:35 SPEAKER_01: So let's get started.

1:41 SPEAKER_01: You know, one of the things that I find the most irritating sentences in the world is just show your mouth seem.

1:54 SPEAKER_01: It's the kind of thing people say when they're not the one who has to pay for it.

1:59 SPEAKER_01: Because here's what nobody says out loud.

2:03 SPEAKER_01: Except me, of course.

2:06 SPEAKER_01: For a lot of women at work, confidence comes with a price tag.

2:12 SPEAKER_01: And it's not small change.

2:15 SPEAKER_01: It's a visible tax, a visibility tax.

2:18 SPEAKER_01: The tax looks like this: you speak clearly, and someone calls you abrasive.

2:25 SPEAKER_01: You set a boundary and suddenly you're not a team player.

Spotlight Versus Footprints

2:30 SPEAKER_01: You're calm in the meeting and you're cold.

2:34 SPEAKER_01: You're passionate and you're emotional.

2:37 SPEAKER_01: You succeed and people act like you've committed a small crime.

2:42 SPEAKER_01: So, no, no, no, no.

2:44 SPEAKER_01: It's not that women don't have moxie, it's that women have learned that moxie can trigger consequences.

2:53 SPEAKER_01: Now, I want to ask you something.

2:58 SPEAKER_01: When you picture being a role model, yourself as a role model, what picture pops up first?

3:07 SPEAKER_01: Is it you standing tall, steady, present, or is it you being watched?

3:14 SPEAKER_01: Because I understand for many women, the internal picture of visibility isn't inspiring, it's surveillance, it's a spotlight.

3:26 SPEAKER_01: And spotlights don't always feel like empowerment, they feel like exposure.

3:32 SPEAKER_01: So let's do a quick switch.

3:34 SPEAKER_01: Not an exercise, just the truth.

3:37 SPEAKER_01: Moxie isn't a spotlight.

3:40 SPEAKER_01: To me, it's a footprint, it's the trail.

3:44 SPEAKER_01: You know that trail that you leave behind you that says there's a woman, a woman was here, she led like herself, she didn't apologize for being competent, and the world didn't end.

4:01 SPEAKER_01: And to me, that's what role modeling actually is.

4:04 SPEAKER_00: It's not about perfection or performance, it's about proof.

4:11 SPEAKER_01: But if your brain represents visibility as danger, you'll treat it like danger, you'll shrink, you'll over-explain yourself, you'll be you'll pre-apologise.

4:24 SPEAKER_01: Don't get me wrong, I've done it.

4:26 SPEAKER_01: You'll smile through disrespect, you'll call it seem professional.

Reframing Fear And Its Shape

4:33 SPEAKER_01: Meanwhile, though, your nervous system is quietly taking notes.

4:40 SPEAKER_01: Like we're not safe here.

4:43 SPEAKER_01: So here's another question.

4:47 SPEAKER_01: Does your leadership feel like footprints or does it feel like a spotlight?

4:53 SPEAKER_00: And if it feels like a spotlight, that's because that's not because you're weak.

5:01 SPEAKER_01: No, it's because your system has learned a very good lesson, and maybe through subtle punishments, maybe through big obvious ones like being taken to disciplinaries and capabilities, maybe through years of watching what happens to women who don't play nice.

5:30 SPEAKER_01: If your fear has a shape, what shape would it be?

5:35 SPEAKER_01: Would it be a tight box, a booming figure, a wall, or maybe even a fog?

5:43 SPEAKER_01: Because when you name the shape, you stop treating it like it's some mysterious personal failing.

5:53 SPEAKER_01: You start seeing it for what it is, a pattern.

5:58 SPEAKER_01: Now let's deal with maybe two objections that are probably popping up in your head.

6:04 SPEAKER_01: I can hear them from here.

6:07 SPEAKER_01: First, if I'm visible, I'll be judged, and yes, you might be.

6:12 SPEAKER_01: Some people judge women for just existing in full colour, but also notice this you're already being judged, yeah.

Two Big Objections Answered

6:25 SPEAKER_01: The question is whether you'll also be respected, and respect tends to show up when you're clear and concise, not when you're permanently adjusting yourself, like I don't know, some setting menu on the fridge.

6:44 SPEAKER_01: Second, if I show up Moxie, I'll be labelled as difficult.

6:49 SPEAKER_01: I really understand this.

6:52 SPEAKER_01: Possibly, but difficult is often just what people call women who won't absorb nonsense from other people quietly.

7:01 SPEAKER_01: It's a cheap sticker, not a medical mic diagnosis, so it's okay.

7:08 SPEAKER_01: So here's the deeper question: what's the cost of shrinking?

7:14 SPEAKER_01: What are the costs that you're playing right now?

7:17 SPEAKER_01: Not the cost of your career, the cost to you.

7:22 SPEAKER_01: Because I really get it because I've seen it through myself and through so many of my friends.

7:29 SPEAKER_01: Because shrinking doesn't just protect you from conflict, it blocks pride, it blocks satisfaction in what you're doing, it blocks that grounding feeling of I'm here, I am myself, and honestly, that's what makes a role model, not the perfect woman, the real one who doesn't disappear.

7:57 SPEAKER_01: Next time, we'll be talking about the part of your brain that conveniently forgets the resources you already have, because you're not starting from zero, you're just tired of carrying it on your own.

8:17 SPEAKER_01: So here's the recap: if feeling visible feels risky, it's not because you're broken, it's because the world has trained women to treat clarity like danger.

8:29 SPEAKER_01: You don't need to become someone else, you just need to stop treating yourself like a problem, being yourself.

The Real Cost Of Shrinking

8:39 SPEAKER_01: So, remember to subscribe, share, and repeat.

8:43 SPEAKER_01: And every step you take, no matter how small, is a step towards a brighter, more balanced future.

8:51 SPEAKER_01: Trust in your journey and remember, progress is progress, no matter the pace.

8:56 SPEAKER_01: Bye for now.