When Relaxing Means Disappearing

Naming The Quiet Disappearance

0:29 SPEAKER_02: Hello there, my lovelies.

0:31 SPEAKER_02: This is Amazing, Brilliant, Gorgeous, Wonderful Podcast.

0:35 SPEAKER_02: It's Cheryl here.

0:37 SPEAKER_02: Today we're talking about that sentence that so many brilliant women whisper like a prayer at the end of the day.

0:47 SPEAKER_02: I just want to relax.

0:49 SPEAKER_02: Except, except if we're honest, sometimes it isn't about relaxation at all.

0:58 SPEAKER_02: Sometimes, sometimes it's about disappearing.

1:03 SPEAKER_02: And that matters.

1:05 SPEAKER_02: Because when you panic.

1:20 SPEAKER_02: Well.

1:23 SPEAKER_02: So we're gonna be excluding.

1:31 SPEAKER_02: No fixes.

1:33 SPEAKER_02: No exercises.

1:35 SPEAKER_02: Just maybe extra.

1:40 SPEAKER_02: I maybe they have a lot of.

1:51 SPEAKER_02: I wanted to start with an image that's been sitting in my head like an unopened email for a while now.

2:00 SPEAKER_01: And it's like, come on, Cher, you can't ignore it.

2:04 SPEAKER_01: It's like a super soft mattress.

2:07 SPEAKER_01: You know the kind, it promises heaven.

2:11 SPEAKER_01: It looks so comfortable.

2:14 SPEAKER_01: You lie down and it sort of eats you.

2:19 SPEAKER_01: And then for about 10 seconds, you think, finally.

2:25 SPEAKER_01: Ah.

2:26 SPEAKER_01: Then when you wake up, feeling like your bones have been gently argued with all night.

2:35 SPEAKER_01: That's what a lot of me time has become.

2:40 SPEAKER_01: Not rest, not nourishment, just thinking.

2:46 SPEAKER_01: And because before you get you get defensive with me, I am not judging you.

The Soft Mattress Metaphor

2:52 SPEAKER_01: I am not judging anyone.

2:54 SPEAKER_01: I am naming something.

2:57 SPEAKER_01: Because as you know from your own experiences, naming is power.

3:03 SPEAKER_01: It's the difference between I'm failing and this is a pattern.

3:10 SPEAKER_01: So let me ask you gently.

3:14 SPEAKER_01: When you say I just want to relax, what do you actually mean in your body?

3:21 SPEAKER_01: Do you mean I want quiet?

3:25 SPEAKER_01: Or do you mean I want anyone to not need me for 10 minutes?

3:34 SPEAKER_01: Or maybe it's something like I'm so overstimulated, I could scream into a pillow, but I don't have the privacy.

3:46 SPEAKER_01: Because many high-functioning women aren't trying to relax, in my opinion.

3:53 SPEAKER_01: They're trying to escape the demands of everyday modern life.

3:59 SPEAKER_01: And look, I get it.

4:02 SPEAKER_01: Work can feel like a conveyor belt that never stops.

4:06 SPEAKER_01: Leadership targets performance, expectations, and a constant professional smile.

4:14 SPEAKER_01: Leadership targets performance, expectations.

4:18 SPEAKER_01: Let's smile.

4:20 SPEAKER_01: Then you come home to the second shift, which is meals, homework, emotional regulation, social calendars, and that invisible spreadsheet in your head that no one else can see.

4:35 SPEAKER_01: So your nervous system doesn't get a logical thing.

4:39 SPEAKER_01: It just searches for an exit.

4:43 SPEAKER_01: Netflix.

4:44 SPEAKER_01: Oh, I love Netflix.

4:46 SPEAKER_01: I am such a big Bridgetan fan.

4:49 SPEAKER_01: But you barely like it.

4:51 SPEAKER_01: Scrolling makes you feel worse, a quiet room, a longer shower than necessary.

5:00 SPEAKER_01: And the problem isn't that you do these things.

5:07 SPEAKER_01: The problem is that when these things become your only way of coping, rest turns into a kind of slow disappearance.

Me Time Versus True Rest

5:21 SPEAKER_01: Now, if I was to ask you a question, if stress had a shape today, what would it look like?

5:27 SPEAKER_01: Is it wide and flat?

5:30 SPEAKER_01: Like it's covering everything?

5:33 SPEAKER_01: Is it a tight knot in your chest that refuses to loosen?

5:37 SPEAKER_01: Is it like buzzing like a beat?

5:40 SPEAKER_01: Like you swallowed an angry phone?

5:44 SPEAKER_01: And if your me time has a colour, what would it be?

5:49 SPEAKER_01: Would it be a restorative gold or a numb neutral grey?

5:58 SPEAKER_01: Because numb grey coping is seducive.

6:04 SPEAKER_01: It's truly seductive.

6:07 SPEAKER_01: It doesn't ask much of you.

6:09 SPEAKER_01: It doesn't demand you feel it doesn't demand you notice your own needs.

6:18 SPEAKER_01: It just shuts the blinds.

6:21 SPEAKER_01: But here's where the parenting thing comes in for me.

6:28 SPEAKER_00: Especially being a grandparent now myself.

6:35 SPEAKER_01: You might know that there are experts who work with ultra-rich families.

6:40 SPEAKER_01: You know the ones who call them when things are haven't already gone off the rails.

Shapes And Colors Of Stress

6:49 SPEAKER_01: And the thread that runs through this to me is painfully simple when adults never say no, never nurture, never build the relationship, they assume the child won't turn out fine because of the family name or the money of the opportunities.

7:14 SPEAKER_01: And honestly, we do a cheaper version of that in normal households.

7:20 SPEAKER_01: I consider myself to have a normal household too.

7:23 SPEAKER_01: We assume love will carry the relationship even if we're not truly present.

7:29 SPEAKER_01: We assume our kids will be okay, even if we mostly manage them rather than connect with them.

7:37 SPEAKER_01: We assume that because we're physically here, that counts, doesn't it?

7:43 SPEAKER_01: That counts enough for emotional presence.

7:47 SPEAKER_01: And I'm not saying you need to be a perfect parent, no, or some glowing educational toy from those Christmas adverts.

7:58 SPEAKER_01: I'm saying this connection doesn't happen by default, it happens on purpose.

8:09 SPEAKER_00: And here's the hard truth.

8:16 SPEAKER_00: That's also strangely relieving.

8:20 SPEAKER_01: Life is hard.

8:22 SPEAKER_01: Not because you're doing it wrong, but because life comes with demands.

8:29 SPEAKER_01: Advertising, trying to sell you the fantasy that everything can be easy, smoother, softer, quicker.

Parenting, Presence, And Assumptions

8:41 SPEAKER_00: But being human requires guess what?

8:45 SPEAKER_00: Effort.

8:46 SPEAKER_00: Being in a relationship requires presence.

8:51 SPEAKER_01: So the real question becomes what do you think your nervous system is protecting you from each evening?

8:59 SPEAKER_01: Is it criticism?

9:01 SPEAKER_00: More demand noise, conflict, the feeling that you've never quite done enough.

9:12 SPEAKER_01: And another one, where does connection actually live in your home right now?

9:18 SPEAKER_01: Think about it, is it in the bedroom, the kitchen, or in the car?

9:22 SPEAKER_01: Or only in special moments that require energy you don't have.

9:28 SPEAKER_01: If your answer is it doesn't really live anywhere, that's okay.

9:35 SPEAKER_00: You are where you are.

9:37 SPEAKER_00: There's no need to panic.

9:39 SPEAKER_00: That's not a verdict, that's information.

9:45 SPEAKER_01: I'm asking you, this isn't about changing everything, it's about asking you to see the truth without shame.

9:56 SPEAKER_02: Because when you can see it, you can stop calling it a personal failure and start calling it what it is: a system under strain.

10:08 SPEAKER_02: And when the system is under strain, when any system is under strain, disappearing makes sense, it's protective, it's a self-preservation instinct, but it costs.

10:24 SPEAKER_02: The cost of disappearing is disconnection, resentment, or that hollow feeling, I'm here, but I'm not really here.

10:34 SPEAKER_02: Then it's worth naming that patent.

10:37 SPEAKER_02: Don't blame yourself.

10:41 SPEAKER_02: No.

10:42 SPEAKER_02: Just give yourself back a choice.

10:49 SPEAKER_02: So just to recap, something I just want to relax is actually I need to disappear.

10:57 SPEAKER_02: And that's a nervous system trying to cope, not a character flaw.

11:02 SPEAKER_02: If this hits a nerve, what I've said today, be gentle with yourself because you're not broken, you're just overloaded.

11:11 SPEAKER_02: Okay.

11:12 SPEAKER_02: If you've enjoyed any part of this episode today, subscribe, share with a friend, and repeat.

Effort, Advertising, And Being Human

11:20 SPEAKER_02: Because remember, every step you take, no matter how small, is a step towards a brighter, more balanced future.

11:28 SPEAKER_02: Trust in your journey.

11:30 SPEAKER_02: Remember, progress is progress, no matter the pace.

11:33 SPEAKER_02: Bye for now, you know.