High Performers And The Hidden Path To Burnout: Reading Our Bodies Stress Signals

When Exhaustion Feels Normal

0:20 SPEAKER_01: Hi. Paula told me that by the time she went to see her doctor, she could barely sit up in a chair. And even then she didn't think her exhaustion was particularly unusual. And that stopped me. Welcome to WorkStress Anxiety. I'm Cheryl Paris and today Paula and I explore how easily high achievers can mistake depletion for dedication. You know, we talk about overused strengths, normalizing stress, and what your mind and body may already be trying to tell you. You know, you can follow the podcast at follow thepodcast.com forward slash work stressanxiety so that you keep these conversations close.

1:16 SPEAKER_01: Let's get started. Hello and welcome to work stress anxiety. I'm Cheryl Paris, and guess what? I have an amazing guest with me today. She is going to be filled you with so much insights. You're going to be amazed. I hope you've got your notepad ready. Welcome, Paula.

1:33 SPEAKER_00: Oh, thank you, Cheryl. I'm so excited to be here.

1:36 SPEAKER_01: Thank you so much for meeting me. You know, I remember when we first talked, and I remember you in your bio there was a link to a video that you did.

High Achievers Miss The Warning Signs

1:43 SPEAKER_01: And what I found really interesting about that is that, especially us women, I think, we want to be high achievers in everything that we do. It doesn't matter whether it's at home, in the office, if we're volunteering, we always want to do our best. And I think one of the problems that that can tail is that we don't notice when things start going all right, in the sense that intellectually we don't notice these things. So I'm just curious. You know, I often hear people say or think to themselves, you know, I'm tired, but you know, I still should be coping.

2:22 SPEAKER_01: Paula, I'm just interested to know what you think about that particular line. And when do you think it starts becoming dangerous, that kind of thinking?

2:32 SPEAKER_00: Such a good question. And it's so true. We think that we need to be like superwoman in everything that we touch, right? Every aspect of our lives. And because we're high achievers, that's a natural drive within us. Like, I don't know about you, Cheryl, but it's really uncomfortable just to sit and relax. I always feel like I need to be doing something, right? And so this is our natural tendency when we're high achievers in the first place. And we set really high bars for ourselves. The problem with that is it's only a problem when it works against us.

3:06 SPEAKER_00: So if we are starting to sacrifice our sleep, sacrifice our healthy diets, sacrifice getting out in exercising, whatever form of exercising is your thing. I'm not a workout in the gym kind of gal. I'm a walkout in nature kind of gal, right? When we're eating on the run or skipping meals just to save time so that we can prioritize other things other than our sustainable ability to function, that's when it really becomes a problem. And we don't notice it. We don't pay attention to it. My body was screaming at me when I finally found myself sitting in the doctor's office.

3:44 SPEAKER_00: And even then, I was clueless until my doctor gave me my diagnosis and I realized my stress was literally killing me. So that's the thing. We're not paying attention to what our body is telling us because we're so used to overriding those signs and those warnings because we're so focused on what we're trying to achieve.

4:03 SPEAKER_01: Okay.

Why Stress Gets Normalised

4:04 SPEAKER_01: Do you know what I find is really interesting? When you said that phrase, stress is killing me, you know, I had an emotional reaction to that. And one of the things that, and I'm sure you've noticed that in the work that you've done and in your in your recent book, that stress is literally killing us. And on a societal level, and we're not even noticing that. Paula, what do you think is the main driver for that high level of stress that we all seem to be carrying and we all kind of normalize it as if somehow, you know, if you're not feeling that distress, because that's the way I see it, that somehow you're not performing well, you're not functioning well.

4:49 SPEAKER_00: So you said the key word there. We normalize it. And because we normalize it, and because our society normalizes it, and because we see, well, we think we see everyone around us performing just fine, we think we're the only one that's struggling. And because we think we're the only one that's struggling, now we move into thoughts of like not enoughness, shame, lack of ability, fear, worry that they're gonna think that we can't handle the responsibility of our role. And so we just assume that that's where we should be, because it is normalized, that when we are struggling, we're not listening to those signs our body is giving us, and we're just overriding to achieve what we think everyone else is doing.

5:33 SPEAKER_00: And here's the kicker. I don't know about you, but I have found that high performers don't like to admit when they're struggling. So because we don't like to admit it, we just assume everyone else is doing great and we're the only ones. It's that normalized.

5:48 SPEAKER_01: Yeah. No, it's interesting you say that because I've been recently working with someone who they're a high flyer and they've been promoted several times over the course of about 18 months. So whereas before they were just part of the, you know, the the gang, they've become management like three times over in the space of 18 months because they've been doing so well. And it was really interesting. One of the things she said to me, in a kind of we were just chatting, and she just sort of said to me, you know, one of the things I've noticed, Cheryl, is that not everybody operates the same way that I do, and that I operate, you know, I'm quite happy with chaos doing one thing, moving on to the next thing.

6:29 SPEAKER_01: Do you know what I mean? The way I work is quite disorganized, and it's only now that I've realized that people don't operate the same way that I do, and I know that I've taken that out on people, and I don't know what to do about it. And when she said that, I thought, well, one, that's great that you've recognized that.

Chaos As A Drug And A Trap

6:50 SPEAKER_01: Yes, but in the moment, I kind of didn't know what to say to her as to what the next step was for her. I'm just curious, what would you have said to her?

6:59 SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so that's the thing. We do all operate differently. I'm glad that you're bringing this up, Cheryl, because it's a conversation we need to raise awareness around. We do all operate differently, and some of us can handle more stress than others on a given day, right? But ultimately, we are all human beings and we all have a limit as to what our capacity is. Now, here's the thing: I can relate to what she said because I was that. I thrived on chaos and being the solution finder and the problem solver and the fixer.

7:35 SPEAKER_00: And, you know, the adrenaline and the rush that comes with like accomplishing what somebody else couldn't do, being the go-to person, I thrived on that until I didn't. You know, the one thing we need to understand is who you are today and what your capacity is today and what you're managing today, especially if you're being promoted so quickly, and not everyone is, but even when you get promotion slowly, every time you get a promotion or a new responsibility added to your role, you now have to do things differently because what supported you before is not going to continue to support you going forward because it's not designed to.

8:15 SPEAKER_00: Those habits and patterns and default decisions that we rely on to get us to the successful point we're at now is not going to be sustainable going forward. So my suggestion to her would be thrilled that you have awareness now that you operate differently. Now let's raise the awareness around how are you operating now that is sustainable and what isn't? Because that's the piece we don't look at.

8:39 SPEAKER_01: Because I think, you know, like I said, when she said that to me, I kind of my mind was kind of on all the people that she had come in contact with and how, and this is not a judgment, but it kind of is what effect was she having on those people? Yes. You know, was she driving them towards burnout without even realizing it? Because she had that, she almost had the same expectations of them that she had on herself. And I know that sometimes people might be thinking to themselves, okay. Because you said there is this strange kind of pride that we wear when we know that we're good at stuff and people come to us and because I know I used to be like that, and I don't think it was a conscious thing, but I love the fact that people thought, oh, I've got a problem, I know exactly who I need to talk to, I'm gonna speak to Cheryl.

9:32 SPEAKER_01: But I know that strength, because I do see it as a strength because it's it's useful in certain contexts, can quietly turn against someone very, very quickly. And I'm just wondering, maybe in your case, if you're happy to talk about it, when did you realize that strength was no longer an asset to you in the situation that you were in?

Overused Strengths And Burnout Risk

9:56 SPEAKER_00: Yeah, perfect. So let's unpack a couple of things. Judgment and no judgment, yes. So who she came in contact and how she was driving them. Absolutely. When we are high drivers and demand a lot of ourselves and override our limits and our capacity, we do tend to expect others to keep up. So, yes, she could have been negatively impacting and leading them to burnout without any awareness, simply because she's not aware that she's on a path to burnout, because that level of drive is not sustainable long term.

10:31 SPEAKER_00: So that's the first piece. And then as far as how we use our strengths. So the beautiful thing about our strengths is they come naturally, they come easily to us because they're part of who we are. That's why they're our strength. We don't like to do things that aren't our strengths because we struggle with them. And quite honestly, those aren't the areas to focus on because at best, if you improve them, you can become average, because it's just not your strength. So I would not focus my energy and efforts on becoming average and things.

11:03 SPEAKER_00: But when we use our strengths, because the fact that they're so easy and come naturally and as a state of flow. And yes, we like it when we can use them because, you know, we get that hit of dopamine, that hit of adrenaline, that little bit of a rush, that satisfaction of applying what comes naturally to us. It's part of who we are and our purpose. Because it's so easy and natural, we also identify with it. And now it becomes part of who we have to prove who we are. And we tend to overuse our strength to our own detriment.

11:38 SPEAKER_00: So let's use an example. One of my strengths is learning. Wisdom is a strength of mine. And so I love reading research, I love learning, I love getting degrees and certificates and all of that fun stuff. And I love teaching, but I can over-teach and overgive of myself in that area to the point where I haven't supported my own needs. So when we have a strength, if you're a problem fixer, like you and I are, Cheryl, we have to allow equal balance. If we're giving to others, we have to also give to ourselves.

12:13 SPEAKER_00: So we have to apply our strengths both outwardly and inwardly. And when we're using our strengths to the extent that it is depleting us, that's when it's a problem.

12:24 SPEAKER_01: Now, one of the things you've probably noticed is that before burnout becomes obvious, it just looks like ordinary normal life. And if someone's patient or they're in someone's relationships and decisions and abilities, how can they best feel themselves before they reach that point?

The Check In That Changes Everything

12:44 SPEAKER_00: That's a hard one because we're not focused there. So that the first thing would be to take a just a check in. How are you feeling physically, emotionally, mentally, and where where might there be stress? Like just physically doing a stop for a moment and just check in with yourself. This is not something we're taught to do. We're so go, go, go, get the next thing, focus forward, that we're very rarely in the present moment. So if we can practice being present, even if it's like a minute out of every hour, just to check in and see, then we can start to recognize the signs that our body or our mind or our brain or our energy levels are giving us.

13:28 SPEAKER_00: I did not do that. By the time I went to the doctor, I could barely sit up in a chair. I was so exhausted, Cheryl. And even then, I didn't think that was odd. Like I just assumed being exhausted showed how hard I worked and what a great worker I am, right? This is part of being successful. It proves that I am putting my nose to the grindstone. And I just wanted a prescription to help me get through the day, stay awake and function. And then another one to help me sleep at night because I'm up at night thinking about all the things I didn't get done, right?

13:58 SPEAKER_00: So even then, it's just, it's such a disconnect. So if we can learn to take a pause and take a moment to just check in and see what's going on with us emotionally, mentally, physically, that that alone will be a huge shift in awareness because that's the thing. We're not aware, so we're not paying attention.

14:17 SPEAKER_01: Cool. Now, before we finish, I just want to ask you one final question.

Power Pause And Deep Breath Reset

14:21 SPEAKER_01: Because you mentioned earlier on how one of the ways that you like to de-stress, which is to go into nature. And I love that too. I love going for over here. We have in the UK, we have a lot of stately homes that are now managed by what's called the National Trust, and you can literally pay a subscription and go go around and see, you know, where they film all these lovely period dramas, and often they have loads of sort of land that you can walk around. And I I do that a lot, and I just I absolutely love it.

14:56 SPEAKER_01: But I know that not everybody, that's their thing, and we you mentioned about going to the gym. If there was one thing though, Paula, just say your best friend came to you and said, you know, Paula, I need can you suggest one thing that I can do on a regular basis that's gonna help me reconnect with myself, you know, have that sort of check-in where I'm checking in with myself emotionally, physically, mentally, and maybe spiritually. What would you suggest, Paula?

15:27 SPEAKER_00: Well, I have two ways to answer that. One way is I would ask them what is the activity that they love to do that they would wish they could do more of that really helps them feel present in the moment. Now, for me, it's blowing bubbles. And I talk about how blowing bubbles with my girls is actually what helped me figure out how not to be burnt out. So that there's a whole story behind that. But basically, the other option I would tell them is to take a power pause. What do I mean by that? So a power pause is when you just take a moment to disconnect from everything that's going on around you.

16:03 SPEAKER_00: You can do this sitting at your desk in the office. You can do this in the middle of a discussion with someone you have a relationship with that maybe the stress is starting to raise. You can do this at any time. It's detaching from what's going on around you just for a moment by taking a deep breath. Now, this is not a breathing exercise. This is a brain resetting exercise because when we take a deep breath, our brain believes we're safe because we only breathe deeply when we're not under stress, when we're not feeling threatened.

16:34 SPEAKER_00: When we're feeling threatened or stressed, we breathe, you know, from our chest, right? So taking a deep breath resets the brain and gives your brain just enough space to see more than what we're being stressed by. That's when we're fully present. What happens is instead of being in reactive mode, now we're in proactive. We can see more than the problem in front of us, and we can start to make a different choice from there. At the core of it, you're being fully present, which is when you can finally check in in all the ways, spiritually, mentally, physically, emotionally.

Closing Takeaways And Review Request

17:09 SPEAKER_01: Brilliant. I want to thank you, Paula, for joining me and talking about how all of us high flyers can see the early warning signs of burnout. Thank you, Paula.

17:19 SPEAKER_00: Well, my pleasure, Cheryl. Thank you for having this conversation.

17:22 SPEAKER_01: If you want to take one small thing from today's conversation, try Paula's suggestion of simply checking in, not fixing anything, not conducting some full personal audit. No. Just pause for a moment and notice how, how am I doing physically, mentally, and emotionally. You know that in little interruption, as little as it may sound, may help you notice something before your body has started to shut about it. I want to thank Paula. Her relevant links and resources are in the show notes, and you can follow the podcast at follow the podcast.com forward slash workstanxiety.

18:12 SPEAKER_01: And if this episode was useful, please can you consider leaving us a review at lovethepodcast.com forward slash workstanxiety because it genuinely helps other listeners discover the show. Bye for now.